ANOTHER EVENTFUL YEAR AHEAD

I read an article the other day about New Year's resolutions
for 2003 and I thought, "Wait a minute. Slow down, folks.
I'm still thinking of resolutions for 2002."  I've been
known to procrastinate, but this is ridiculous.

Is it just me or did 2002 fly by? It seems like yesterday
that Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley met at a party and
now they're already divorced. It's amazing how much can
happen in a year.

Gazing into my crystal ball, I expect 2003 to be just
as eventful. Here's what I see:

---Actress Winona Ryder, recently convicted of shoplifting,
completes 480 hours of community service, including 200
hours working in a homeless shelter, 180 hours picking up
highway litter, and 100 hours distributing anti-drug
pamphlets outside Whitney Houston's home.

---Tiger Woods competes in the 2003 Masters Golf Tournament,
despite widespread protests of Augusta National Golf Club's
all-male membership policy. But Woods expresses his
disapproval by playing the entire tournament wearing a
dress. "If you want to bring about major change," he says,
"you have to take small steps. Next year I'm going to wear
pumps."

---Pope John Paul II grants sainthood to Mother Teresa after
she is credited with a second miracle. The miracle occurred
on March 13, 1999 when a picture of Mother Teresa was placed
on George Foreman's dining table and he decided not to eat
seconds.

---Having decided not to run for president in 2004, Al Gore
pursues a second career in Hollywood, noting that politics
has already given him immeasurable experience in acting. Tom
Hanks, co-producer of the blockbuster "My Big Fat Greek
Wedding," immediately asks Gore to star in a related movie,
tentatively called "My Big Fat Geek Wedding."

---President Bush's approval rating soars to 90% when he
announces that Osama bin Laden has been captured and is
being held in a secret location. When skeptics wonder if the
actual terrorist is in custody or just a look-alike, Bush
agrees to release pictures of bin Laden, soon after the 2004
election.

---The Democratic Party, disappointed in the initial crop of
presidential candidates, offers an unprecedented incentive:
Anyone willing to challenge Bush will be given a lifetime
supply of antidepressants.  Former vice president Walter
Mondale offers to run again to help Democrats, but receives
a terse note from party leadership: "You've helped enough
already, thank you."

---Canadian author Rohinton Mistry, already miffed about
being searched at U.S. airports during an aborted book tour,
is further offended when the FBI removes his books from
libraries because they allegedly carry secret messages. An
FBI spokesman reveals the most incriminating piece of
evidence: a turbaned man on the New York subway was spotted
reading Mistry's latest novel upside down. Upon questioning,
the man claimed through a translator that he was just
"pretending to read fine literature to impress the ladies."

 ---The television industry continues to produce reality
shows, including MTV's popular "Eminem Uncut," HBO's
"Madonna Unguarded," and CBN'S "Jerry Falwell Unstable."
Bill Clinton agrees to act in his own reality series on NBC,
but plans are shelved when Clinton insists that the show be
called "Hillary 2008: The Road Back to the White House."

---Internet newsletters keep multiplying, with many
celebrities launching specialty ezines. Among the most
popular: Michael Jackson's "Cosmetic Surgery Tips," Sean
Connery's "The Bald and the Beautiful," and Anna Nicole
Smith's advice newsletter "Dear Flabby."