|
© All columns copyrighted
Columns must not be
reprinted in any form without the author's express permission.
|
|
Melvin's blog
Nshima & Curry
Melvin's Blog
Nshima & Curry
| |
SOME APOLOGIES ARE EASIER THAN OTHERS
It took a "very sorry" from the United States to obtain the
release of the crew of a U.S. spy plane from China, but the
apology was not for the collision with a Chinese fighter jet.
It was for the spy plane's entry into Chinese airspace after
the collision and for the death of the Chinese pilot. In other
words, the U.S. apologized for the result, not the cause.
The long standoff reminded me of a children's tiff.
China: "Say you're sorry!"
U.S.: "No! You say you're sorry!"
China: "Your plane flew into my plane!
U.S. "Did not!"
China: "Did too!"
U.S.: "Well, your mama is ugly!"
China: "Huh?"
If parents were involved, each country would have
apologized to the other, no matter who was at fault. And
for at least two months, both countries -- and their
planes -- would be grounded.
It's a pity Bill Clinton isn't still president. He was good at
apologizing. He was willing to apologize for anything:
America's slavery, Rwanda's genocide, Whitney
Houston's hair.
The plane collision is the third tragic accident in recent
months involving the Navy. If this continues, the old
slogan "Join the Navy and see the world" will have to be
revived as "Join the Navy and apologize to the world."
I'm surprised the Navy hasn't yet hired a special officer in
charge of apologizing. It's a sorry job, but someone has
to do it.
It may be necessary to place the following job ad: "The
Navy seeks applications for the newly created position
of Chief Apologizer. Candidates must be willing to
apologize at any time, day or night. They must also have
the ability to look remorseful. Preference will be given to
individuals with experience in apologizing publicly, such
as Mike Tyson, Darryl Strawberry and various other
athletes. Special consideration will also be given to
husbands who have been trained by their wives to
apologize for no reason."
In China, apologies seem to be essential, because they're
a good way of resolving a conflict, whereas in America,
apologies seem to be optional, because they're a good
way of getting your butt sued. As most Americans know,
it's better to be safe than sorry.
Of course, it doesn't help that America's relationship with
China has long been strained. Like a divorcing couple,
each country is suspicious of the other. President Bush
and Secretary of State Colin Powell have surely
discussed many Chinese conspiracies.
Bush: "The Chinese are trying to take over America.
Look at all the restaurants they're opening here. Soon
there'll be a Chinese restaurant on every street and egg
rolls will be more popular than hay rolls. What if
all those Chinese cooks get together one day and decide
to put a little too much 'goo' in their moo goo gai pan?
Millions of Americans would fall ill and, the next thing
you know, Elaine Chao would be president. And if we
happen to get more than one Chao leading America, you
know what we'd have: Chaos."
Powell: "I think Ms. Chao is from Taiwan, Mr. President.
Are you sure about this conspiracy? It seems a little
farfetched, like your theory that Indian women are hiding
spying equipment under their saris. Many of the Chinese
restaurant owners have become U.S. citizens. They're
harmless people, despite the fact that most of them are
Democrats."
Bush: "I'm telling ya, Colin, it's all a deception. Chinese
restaurants have all sorts of subliminable messages. For
example, all of them have small signs that say, 'General
Tso's chicken.' They're trying to lull us into a false sense
of security. But I know the truth: General Tso isn't
chicken. He's the bravest and most dangerous general in
the world. Yes, he is."
Send
this column to a friend
| |
|
