GORE'S KISS MAY PROPEL HIM TO WHITE HOUSE
A couple of weeks have passed, but Al
Gore is still enjoying the effects of The Kiss.
All by itself, it seems to have transformed
the vice president from a stiff, boring
politician with as much charisma as a carrot
to a passionate, exciting presidential
candidate with more sex appeal than a
Gucci model. It’s amazing what a man can
achieve merely by kissing his wife. I can't
wait to find out what happens to me.
In this age of widespread infidelity, Gore
could win the White House just by
passing around bumper stickers with this
powerful message: "Vote for Al Gore: He
kisses his wife." But that might set
unattainable standards for many politicians.
Of course, the kiss that helped propel Gore
past George W. Bush in some presidential
polls was no ordinary smooch. It was a
three-second lip-lock on national television,
the kind that would steam up the set of any
soap opera, the kind that, in a country like
Afghanistan, would undoubtedly earn Gore
the death penalty. A well-deserved stoning
in the public square. The trial would go
something like this:
Judge: "Al Gore, you are accused of
touching your wife in an indecent manner,
behaving like a Frenchman. How do you
plead?"
Gore: "Not guilty. I was just trying to thank
Tipper for her touching introduction at the
Democratic convention. I merely pressed
my lips against hers for a few seconds. We
do it all the time at home. It’s fun. You should
try it sometime."
Judge: "This is not a good time to be
handing out tips. You have committed a
grave sin and must be stoned. If we allow
physical contact between men and women
in public, how do you expect us to get any
work done?"
Gore: "Please don’t stone me. What about
Bill Clinton and his sordid affairs? If you
stone me for kissing my wife passionately,
how are you going to punish him?"
Judge: "We will make him kiss his wife
passionately."
Gore: "That would never happen. He’d
rather be stoned."
It's a good thing Gore lives in America,
where his kiss has endeared him to many
voters. However, the reaction among fellow
politicians has been mixed. Democrats
love the kiss, Republicans are disgusted,
and the Reform Party, as expected, is split.
One conservative even called it an X-rated
kiss. Etiquette experts were aghast. "A
normal couple wouldn’t have done that,"
Letitia Baldridge told the Houston Chronicle.
Well, we certainly wouldn’t want to put a
normal couple in the White House.
Some Republicans believe the kiss was
staged, another trick to help Gore shed his
wooden image. Perhaps they should ask
Attorney General Janet Reno to investigate
the kiss. I’m sure she can find incriminating
documents, e-mails and videotapes.
Perhaps even evidence of secret lessons in
passionate kissing from Madeleine Albright.
By kissing his wife in public, Gore sent
America a clear message: "If there’s any
hanky panky in the Oval Office when I’m
president, it’ll be between Tipper and me.
The interns won’t be involved. They will have
to settle for watching."
If Gore is elected, we’re likely to hear a lot
more warnings on television: "The following
State of the Union address is for mature
audiences only. The president may get
passionate with his wife. Parental discretion
is advised."
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MELVIN'S TIPS ON PUBLIC KISSING
1. Passionate kissing should be avoided during
most public events, including movies, plays and
funerals.
2. It's OK to kiss in front of your children if they
have accidentally swallowed some poison and
you're trying to get them to throw up.
3. If you must kiss during a football game, try to
do it during the timeouts. And whatever you do,
please stay away from the cheerleaders.
4. At your wedding, it's OK to speak French, play
the French horn and serve French fries. But don't
go any further.
5. Kissing and driving is just as dangerous as
drinking and driving. Drinking and kissing is fine,
as long as you know whom you are kissing.
6. Passionate kissing is encouraged at the
Democratic convention, especially if you are
behind in the polls. To kiss at the Republican
convention, you must first apply to the party
chairperson, proving that you've been married
for at least 25 years and have passed a blood
test. To kiss at the Reform Party convention,
you must be Ross Perot.
7. Passionate kissing should be avoided on a
plane, especially if there's a stranger sitting
between you.
8. Kissing your sister in public is not a good idea,
even if your sister is Angelina Jolie.
9. Kissing your boss in public is not recommended,
unless you've just received a promotion. But you
may still need permission from your spouse.
10. Kissing a waiter or waitress may get you faster
service, but you'll still have to leave a big tip.
