Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

NO FLYING AT THE AIRPORT

The Airports Authority of India (AAI) maintains 125
airports, about one for every eight million people. At first
glance, that seems reasonable, but I know exactly what to
expect if I try to use a smaller airport, such as the one in
Jabalpur.

Me: "I'd like to go to Delhi, please."

Airport clerk: "Yes, we would all like to go to Delhi. But
we are stuck in Jabalpur. That's life. What to do?"

Me: "No, I'd like to buy a ticket to Delhi."

Clerk: "Sorry, sir, no tickets here. If you need ticket, you
must go to bus station."

Me: "No, I want to FLY to Delhi. Can I fly from here? Or has
the bus station started offering flights? Perhaps Indian
Airlines has installed wings on some of the buses. I hear
they're very eager to make airbuses in India."

Clerk: "No, no, no. All flying is to be done here. We are
first-class commercial airport. We have everything: a
lounge, toilets, coffee shop. And look -- even a runway! But
there is only one minor problem: the government did not
provide us with planes. You need to bring your own. Any
plane is acceptable, even one that's made in Pakistan."

Me: "But you're a commercial airport, so you do have a few
flights, don't you?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir, we do have a few flights. But the flights
are being conducted mainly by crows. And other birds, too.
They love the runway. Look -- it is a beautiful runway, sir.
We are proud to say, here in Jabalpur, we have more air
traffic than JFK Airport in New York."

Me: "You mean you have no commercial flights? That's crazy.
What good is a commercial airport without commercial
flights?"

Clerk: "Emergency landings, sir. If a plane is in trouble
and needs to land, we are ready to help. And if that plane
is going to Delhi, we will let you know immediately. Most
certainly. Just leave your telephone number with me."

For the record, Jabalpur does have a few planes, but they
belong to the Air Force. The government spent Rs. 8 crore in
2001 to transform Jabalpur's defense airstrip into a
commercial airport, only to watch Indian Airlines suspend
its flights a year later because -- big surprise here --
Jabalpur isn't a prime destination.

Likewise, 45 of the 125 airports are no-flight zones, but
cost AAI almost Rs. 45 crore a year, according to a recent
India Today article. Each airport, of course, made some
politician very happy, delighted that he could bring the
miracle of flight to his people. Did he do a study to
determine the demand for air travel? Yes, he interviewed a
few people in the Ministry of Waste and Excess.

Only 11 airports are profitable -- and those airports have
to absorb losses from 114 others. That explains why the
international airports in Mumbai and Delhi, despite annual
profits of nearly Rs. 400 crore, haven't been upgraded since
Salman Rushdie had hair. So don't be surprised if the
escalators don't move, the trolleys don't roll, and the
aerobridges don't exist.

Tourist: "My luggage is very heavy. Do you have any carts
that work?"

Airport worker: "Carts that work? Where do you think you
are? Jabalpur?"

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