Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

IT'S OPEN SEASON ON ARABS

Attorney General John Ashcroft recently met with President
Bush to share details of his latest anti-terrorism measures,
designed to prevent attacks on America while preserving
freedom and human rights for all law-abiding citizens and
visitors who don't look Arabic.

ASHCROFT: "Mr. President, you'll be glad to know that the
FBI database has been improved. It now holds a comprehensive
list of groups and individuals that have given us trouble of
any sort, including Al Qaeda, Al Jihad and Al Gore."

BUSH: "Al Gore? He's not a terrorist, is he?"

ASHCROFT: "Probably not, Mr. President. But the FBI tapped
his phone line and heard him say he's targeting the White
House. We've been spying on him ever since he grew that
beard."

BUSH: "Good idea, John. The beard was mighty suspicious.
Make sure you let me know if you spot him wearing a turban.
That's usually the next step. It would give us enough
evidence to detain him."

ASHCROFT: "Yes, Mr. President. We're also starting a program
to fingerprint and photograph visitors from certain
countries, particularly the Islamic countries."

BUSH: "Good idea, John. And let's not forget the Muslim
countries either."

ASHCROFT: "Yes, Mr. President. We're trying to use a variety
of methods. That's why we're reorganizing the CIA. It will
now stand for Central Investigation of Arabs. We don't want
to put all our eggs in one basket."

BUSH: "That's good, John! Remember: money is no object. We
can always buy more baskets. We'll import them if we need
to."

ASHCROFT: "Uh ... yes, sir, whatever you say. The ACLU
claims we're being discriminatory, but let's face facts: One
out of ten Arabs hates America. That doesn't seem bad --
until you realize that only one out of 50 hates Salman
Rushdie. We need to look at the big picture. If only one out
of every 100,000 Arabs is a terrorist, that doesn't seem
like a problem. But if we allow a million of them to enter
the country, we're admitting 10 terrorists!"

BUSH: "That's scary, John. But I have a solution: Let's
allow only 999,990 to enter."

ASHCROFT: "Yes, but how do we know which 10 to leave out?"

BUSH: "Well, we can start with Louis Farrakhan. I never did
like him."

ASHCROFT: "Uh ... he's African-American, sir. Would you like
us to detain him?"

BUSH: "Yes, John, for at least a few decades. I noticed
you've detained several other people who aren't Arabs."

ASHCROFT: "Yes, but they all have connections to the Arab
world. For example, we've detained a man named Levi Bara. If
you take the first letters of his names and move them to the
end, what do you get? Evil Arab. Just a coincidence? I don't
think so. We've also detained a woman named Greta Baily. If
you rearrange the letters of her names, what do you get?
Great Libya."

BUSH: "That's scary. But isn't it hard to keep track of all
these names?"

ASHCROFT: "Well, we're analyzing names using computer
software created by an Indian programmer named Prash Desai.
We hired him because his name -- you'll be glad to know --
can be rearranged to form Sharp Ideas."

BUSH: "Wonderful! It's a good thing we grabbed him before
India did. Remind me to tell the Pakistani president,
Perverse Mushroom, that we did him a big favor."

 

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