Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

TAKING A SHOT AT BOLLYWOOD

Everyone has dreams, and mine was to become a Bollywood
star. I know it sounds crazy, but please don't laugh. I'll
be the first to admit that it was a long shot, that I had a
better chance of becoming a Sports Illustrated swimsuit
model.

But I've listened to enough motivational tapes to realize
the importance of "going for it." What did I have to lose?
So after much deliberation, after consulting my friends
("You're nuts!"), my mother ("You're crazy!") and my wife
("You're delusional!"), I decided to audition for a
Bollywood agent, giving him a quick look at my acting,
dancing and singing skills. Following my performance, he
asked me to have a seat, scratched his chin and looked
directly into my eyes.

Agent: "Thank you for auditioning, Mr. Durai. Since you're
so determined to work in Bollywood, I might be able to find
you a job. The directors are always looking for someone to
fetch them coffee."

Me: "But I want to be an actor."

Agent: "I'm sorry, Mr. Durai. We have four major criteria
for Bollywood actors and I'm afraid you fail all of them."

Me: "I realize I don't speak Hindi, but I'm willing to
learn."

Agent: "Speaking Hindi is not a requirement anymore. The
producers are very good at dubbing. They can even make
George Bush speak Hindi."

Me: "Is it my singing then? I realize I don't sing very
well."

Agent: "Well, your singing isn't bad, Mr. Durai -- it's
terrible. I've heard better singing from a donkey. But
singing isn't an issue. The producers can easily dub the
voice of a professional singer, so moviegoers don't have to
stuff popcorn into their ears."

Me: "Is it my looks then? Am I not handsome enough?"

Agent: "Well, let's just say you're no Salman Khan. Come to
think of it, you're no Salman Rushdie either. What's more,
Mr. Durai, you're not exactly fair-skinned. You'd have to be
a villain."

Me: "But I'm willing to do anything: wear a mask, cover my
face with talcum powder, or see Michael Jackson's plastic
surgeon."

Agent: "Really? While you're at it, you might as well see
Michael Jackson's dance instructor. You dance like a cow. I
hope you're not offended by that. I really don't mean to
insult cows. Dancing is very important in Bollywood, Mr.
Durai, more important than acting. But of even greater
importance is your name. Yours, unfortunately, does not end
with 'han.'"

Me: "What do you mean?"

Agent: "All the top Bollywood actors, in case you didn't
notice, have surnames ending with 'han.' For example:
Amitabh Bachchan, Shahrukh Khan, and Hrithik Roshan. This
formula has even worked for another top Asian star: Jackie
Chan."

Me: "What's the significance of 'han.'?"

Agent: "We're not sure. 'Han' means 'yes,' but it might also
be a short form of 'handsome.' It makes these actors more
appealing on screen."

Me: "Well, in that case, I'm willing to change my name to
Melvin Roshan. In fact, I'm even willing to change to Mohan
Roshan. That way, you'd get twice the 'han.'"

Agent: "Your determination is inspiring, Mr. Durai. But if
you're not born with such a name, then I am sorry to say,
the gods have not smiled on you. Are you sure you don't want
to fetch coffee?"

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