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Melvin's blog
Nshima & Curry
Melvin's Blog
Nshima & Curry
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FINDING MY NICHE ON CABLE TV
If you're a fan of college sports, here's some news that's
bound to excite you: College Sports Television (CSTV) will
debut on Feb. 23, allowing you to watch college athletes 24
hours a day. Who knows, you may even see them studying.
Especially if they're studying the cheerleaders.
No longer will you have to switch to ESPN for a solitary
highlight of your favorite college player. Now you can watch
all the athletes, even the ones who know how to read.
CSTV will join many other niche channels on satellite and
cable TV, channels that target their programming to a small
percentage of viewers. Some are extremely specialized. The
Insider Channel, for example, caters to people who want
stock tips from Martha Stewart. And the Spice Channel -- for
adults only -- offers a variety of shows about Indian
cooking.
I'm hoping that my local cable company adds CSTV to its
lineup, because then I'd have another channel I won't watch.
I spend my evenings flipping through about 60 channels,
including the History Channel, Home and Garden TV, and Court
TV (the Bobby Brown network). If there's anything worth
watching on cable TV, I'm determined to find it.
Perhaps I need a few more niche channels. And perhaps the
cable networks need to be more focused. Here are some
suggestions for new and existing networks, along with
promotional blurbs:
AMC (Awful Movie Channel): If you're tired of watching
classic movies and acclaimed actors, switch to us and we'll
show you every single film that Madonna has appeared in. We
also feature Demi Moore, Steven Seagal, Shaquille O'Neal and
the entire cast of "Friends." The critics are amazed. How
did all this garbage get produced?
CCN (Celebrity Crime Network): Watch actress Winona Ryder
shoplift at dozens of upscale stores, helping herself to
everything, even the security cameras. If she gets arrested,
you'll get to watch that too. And for an extra fee, you'll
see an exclusive video of her being frisked.
CBN (Christian Boxing Network): We'll bring you the best
Christian boxers in the world. After every fight, the
winning boxer will say, "I want to thank God for giving me
the strength to knock my opponent's teeth out. Now
I'm going to go home and pray for his recovery."
CBS (Chess Broadcasting Service): Chess is an exciting
sport. If you don't believe us, just ask anyone in Russia.
They love to watch chess -- even before consuming much
vodka. We'll introduce you to the word's top grandmasters.
Our experts will explain all their moves to you and may even
teach you how to pronounce their names. If you've never
heard of Vishwanathan Anand (a household name in India),
your life has been empty.
FPN (Former President Network): If you miss the good old
days when Bill Clinton was in power, tune to us for a daily
review of all his scandals. Our cameras will follow every
former president, even Gerald Ford. You'll get their views
on important issues, such as the Middle East crisis, the war
on terrorism, and the growing problem of celebrity
shoplifting.
TBS (Terrorist Broadcasting Service): Now you don't have to
flip through a bunch of channels to find the latest video of
Osama bin Laden. We'll bring it to you as soon as we find it
on the Internet. Be the first in your neighborhood to hear
his evil message. Get the answers to all your Osama
questions: Is he planning another attack on America? Was he
responsible for the Bali bombing? When was the last time he
took a bath?
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