|
© All columns copyrighted
Columns must not be
reprinted in any form without the author's express permission.
|
|
Melvin's blog
Nshima & Curry
Melvin's Blog
Nshima & Curry
| |
A CAPTURE RIGHT OUT OF NATURE
The capture of Saddam Hussein made headlines around the
world, but few people are aware of the critical
behind-the-scenes decision at the White House.
Donald Rumsfeld: "Mr. President, good news! Our troops have
found Saddam in a hole. They've surrounded him and await
your orders."
George Bush: "Well, I was in Iraq just three weeks ago, but
what the heck ... Get Air Force One ready. I want to
personally pull Saddam out of the hole. After all, I'm the
commander-in-chief. But let's keep this a secret -- except
from the media, of course."
Rumsfeld: "Be careful, Mr. President. Saddam might be
armed."
Bush: "Uh ... I just remembered -- I promised Laura I'd walk
the dog today. You'd better get someone else to pull the
scoundrel out."
Saddam's capture triggered a wave of euphoria throughout
America, with almost every media outlet finding an angle
into the story.
On ESPN, it was a sports story: "Tiger Woods shot a big
hole-in-one during a practice round today, while thousands
of miles away in Iraq, our troops scored a big one-in-hole.
Congratulations to them!"
On the Discovery Channel, it was a nature story: "In other
science news, experts learned today that it isn't just
rodents and earthworms that burrow into the ground, certain
forms of slime do, too."
On the Christian Broadcast Network (CBN), it was a
miraculous story:
Pat Robertson: "Folks, you're not going to believe this.
We've just received news that the newly captured Saddam
Hussein has been saved. Hallelujah! What a miracle!"
Reporter: "Reverend, I hate to tell you this, but there was
a slight mistake in that news report. Saddam hasn't been
saved -- he's been shaved."
Robertson: "Oh ... well ... never mind then."
After hundreds of phone calls to Iraq, I managed to land an
exclusive telephone interview of Saddam. Here's an excerpt:
Me: "Mr. Hussein, how did the American troops persuade you
to come out of the hole? What did they say?"
Saddam: "They said, 'Please come out of the hole, Mr.
Hussein. Don't worry. We'll give you a fair trial, then
we'll put you in another hole.'"
Me: "How have the Americans treated you? Are you being
tortured in any way?"
Saddam: "Tortured? No, they are treating me very well. They
even sent a doctor to examine my teeth. And believe it or
not, he has offered to give me free treatment. Yes,
thirty-two root canals."
Me: "The doctor also examined your hair and beard, didn't
he? Was he looking for lice?"
Saddam: "I asked him if he was checking me for lice. He
said, 'The way you look, Mr. Hussein, I've been asked to
check you for mice.'"
Me: "From what I hear, the Americans have asked you many
questions. What did they want to know?"
Saddam: "They wanted to know if I've endorsed anyone in the
U.S. presidential race. I said, 'No, but I can endorse
George Bush, if you wish.' And they said, 'Thanks for the
offer, but the president would really appreciate it if you
endorse Howard Dean.'"
Me: "I once predicted that after your capture, you'd invert
the syllables in your first name, changing it from Saddam to
the more appropriate Damsad. Have you done that?"
Saddam: "Well, I have decided to change my name, but I
prefer something better: Ace of Spades. That's what my
friends called me when I was digging that hole."
Send this column to a friend
| |
|
