Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

DOING IT ALL WITH YOUR CELL PHONE

Don't look now, but the cell phone is evolving. No longer is
it just a way for you to chat with a friend while moving
around and annoying a few people. Now it offers several
impressive features that allow you, through the power of
wireless technology, to annoy everyone.

With a high-end cell phone in your hand, you can watch music
videos, listen to football games, play video games, take
digital photos, and vote in Florida's elections. There's
even a button to record reminders: "Don't forget to turn the
volume down when playing Tomb Raider in church."

As if that isn't enough, one mobile phone operator has begun
selling handsets that allow people to sing karaoke. And you
thought the train ride to work was long before. Wait till
you hear Joe Transvestite's rendition of "I Feel Like a
Woman." You'll soon be singing, "I feel like an aspirin."

The karaoke phones are being offered in Thailand, but it
won't be long before they spread, like an infectious
disease, to other countries. That's why it's important for
you to write to lawmakers urging them to ban karaoke phones.
Remind them that ordinary phones are already being used,
millions of times a day, to transmit bad voices. Karaoke
phones will only make things worse, especially if they get
into the wrong hands, namely construction workers. They'll
be serenading everyone: "Hey baby, hey baby, hey."

Karaoke, as we all know, is an acquired taste and you
acquire it by going to a bar and getting sloshed. Once
you're drunk, you can appreciate just about any voice, even
your own. You can also appreciate the musical
accompaniments, including those resonant bursts that make
you stumble into the restroom and shout, "Great trombone,
dude!"

Karaoke does not belong on a train or bus, where people have
paid good money and deserve to hear more pleasant sounds,
such as the roar of the engine.

Without karaoke, your phone will have ample room for these
amazing features:

---Dial-a-Date: With a touch of a button, the phone will
connect you to potential mates, allowing you to not only see
and hear them, but also smell them. Yes, the phone will emit
a scent that replicates whatever's on the other end. It's a
great way to empty a movie theater.

---Emergency Aid: If you're taking a walk and a rabid dog
attacks you, don't panic. Just press the "emergency" button
on your cell phone. A picture of Michael Jackson will
appear, frightening the dog. For added safety, hold the
button down and Michael will scream, "Beat it! Just beat
 it!"

---Quick Scan: If you don't want to be seen with Sports
Illustrated's swimsuit issue, just scan it into your phone
and "read" it at your leisure. Then press the "send" button
to share it with friends, especially the ones who enjoy
spectator sports.

While most consumers are eager to buy the latest gadgets,
I'm satisfied with my primitive cell phone. As a married
man, I'm better off without certain features.

Me: "Hi honey. I'm at the grocery store. I'm not sure which
ice cream to buy."

Wife: "Don't worry, sweetie. I'll help you. Just send me
photos of all the choices. And don't forget a close-up of
the nutrition facts."

Me: "Hang on, honey. I have to stand in line behind 30 other
clueless men."

Wife: "Really? Well, why don't you entertain them with some
karaoke?"

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