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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY GONE AMOK

I used to think American democracy was the best in the
world, a model for other countries. But after the Florida
debacle of 2000 and the recent developments in California,
I'm beginning to wonder if it's even better than the system
in some remote islands, where a political candidate, in
order to win a leadership position, is required to eat the
other candidates.

Cannibalism isn't part of the American political system, but
even so, candidates often find themselves thoroughly chewed
up. If they don't have money or fame, they might as well
take off their clothes and cover themselves with ketchup.

Not surprisingly, it was the money of a millionaire that
helped fund the recent petition drive in California. As a
result, the state's voters will decide in October whether to
"recall" the governor. This is ironic, because if you had
asked people on the streets of California to name the
governor, most of them would have said: "I don't recall."

The governor's name is Gray Davis, though it's more accurate
these days to call him Grayer Davis. If the majority of
voters choose to recall him, he'll be history, victim of a
provision in California law that allows voters to be fickle.
One day he's the toast of the state, the next day
he's ... well, toast.

So who will run the state? Well, it would be easier to tell
you who won't: LaToya Jackson, Richard Simmons,
and Uday Hussein.

A whopping 135 names will be on the ballot. No, that's not a
misprint: 135 names! This is what happens when the
unemployment rate is so high -- everybody needs a job.
Never mind that most of the candidates have less political
experience than a ham sandwich.

Reporter: "Have you ever held public office?"

Candidate: "No, but I once cleaned a public office. And if
elected, I plan to clean house in Sacramento."

The big name on the ballot, of course, is Arnold
Schwarzenegger, a.k.a. The Terminator. He has already sent
thrills through the state, as Californians anticipate their
next bumper sticker: "My governor can beat up your
governor." Voters won't have trouble finding
Schwarzenegger's name on the ballot: It's the only one
that's continued on the next page.

If Schwarzenegger seems a strange candidate, wait till you
meet some of his opponents:

---Gary Coleman: Star of the sitcom "Different Strokes," he
has a major edge over Schwarzenegger: He knows how to act.
Some voters, concerned about security in the post-9/11
world, have already thrown their support behind Coleman,
noting that he once worked as a mall security guard.

---Larry Flynt: Publisher of an adult magazine called
"Hustler," he boasts one significant advantage over his
opponents: He has experience working on a number of
different issues, including the "Best of Hustler" issue. If
elected, he plans to change the state's name to Calipornia.

---Mary Carey: Having appeared in a number of adult movies,
she doesn't plan to do much campaigning: Californians are
already familiar with her assets. She and Schwarzenegger
have brought unprecedented excitement to the race, allowing
voters to ask an intriguing question: Who has the bigger
chest?

Perhaps the most troubling aspect of the election is the
cost. The cash-strapped state will have to spend an
estimated $67 million. As President Bush would say, "Why
spend so much money on a recall election? Just let the
Supreme Court decide."

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