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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

THE DIAPER CRIME WE NEED TO SOLVE

Police in northeast England are searching for a man who's
been approaching women late at night and asking, "Are there
any baby-changing facilities around here?" It's a question
parents ask all the time, but what concerns police is the
man's attire: He's been wearing only a diaper.

As I often warn my two daughters: "You'd better not run
around in just a diaper or the police will come after you."
The police take diaper offenses very seriously, as well they
should. The public must be protected at all costs, even if
it means hiring more officers for the DEA (Diaper
Enforcement Agency).

Diapers (or nappies) are like underwear: Exposing them to
the public is not a good idea, unless you're a teen-ager
trying to make a fashion statement.

The British man is perhaps trying to make a statement
himself. While his behavior may seem strange, it's possible
that he's just trying to draw attention to the lack of
baby-changing facilities in England and other parts of the
world, a far more serious crime than he's committed. Indeed,
parents and babies may have just found their own superhero.
Forget about Superman, here comes Diaperman! He'll get to
the bottom of every diaper crime.

Restaurants and other places may find it easy to ignore the
needs of babies, but they can't ignore Diaperman. He won't
just make them install a diaper-changing station, he'll even
break it in.

TV reporter: "I'm here at Burger King, where Diaperman is
about to break in a new diaper-changing station."

Crack!

Restaurant manager: "Hey, you were supposed to break it in.
Not break it!"

Diaperman: "I'm sorry, but you need to invest in something
stronger. It's not just babies who need their diapers
changed, you know."

As parents of two diaper-wearing girls, my wife and I would
be pleased to have Diaperman on our side. Far too often,
we've had to change the girls in the cramped space of our
car. This seemed fine to me the first time, but that was
before my wife pointed out I'd wrapped the diaper around the
gear stick. Every time I shifted gears, the baby squealed.

If it isn't the gear stick getting in the way, it's the
child safety seats. There's so little room in the car and to
make matters worse, people look at me strangely when I get
on the roof. Isn't that where you're supposed to go when
you're trying to fix a leak?

It would be easier if we could just go into a restroom at a
restaurant and use a diaper-changing station, but such
conveniences are rare, making me wonder if restaurant owners
are trying to keep families with babies away, tired of
having to put "WET FLOOR" signs everywhere.

Faced with a bulging diaper, we've had to ponder various
options:

---Changing the baby on a table or chair when the waitress
isn't looking. This might work well, but what if there's a
smell? What if other customers want what we're having?

---Changing the baby on the floor of a restroom. This might
work well, but we'd then have to give the baby a bath in the
sink -- and that would mean another diaper change. It's a
vicious cycle.

---Changing the baby on the front counter of a bank. This
might work well, but we'd probably need to open an account
there.

Bank teller: "Can I help you make a deposit or withdrawal
today?"

Me: "Well, my daughter has just made a deposit, so perhaps
you can help me with the withdrawal."

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