Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

NOBODY HAS A MONOPOLY ON FINE DINING

I've eaten at hundreds of restaurants in my lifetime and am
truly amazed that many of them manage to stay in business.
I'm not suggesting that the restaurant owners are
laundering drug money or something. Some of them aren't
even smart enough to launder their own tablecloths.

It definitely costs money to operate a fancy restaurant, but
some owners don't even care to satisfy a customer's basic
needs: pleasant music that won't burst your eardrums,
clean restrooms that are bigger than a closet, decent food
that doesn't include samples of the cook's hair.

Some places call themselves "family" restaurants, because
you can't go there without meeting at least one family -- or
sometimes several different families -- of flies. Others
promote themselves as "fine dining," because when the
health inspector visits, he always gives them a fine.

I know what you're thinking: "You get what you pay for."
Well, that's not always true. Sometimes you get more than
you pay for. For example, a few years ago, my friends and
I went to a pizza place in Orlando, Fla., and were
entertained, free of charge, by a large flying cockroach.
And believe it or not, the pizza place didn't even call itself
"fine dining."

Even worse, at some restaurants, service is almost
nonexistent. If you want someone to bring water to your
table, you'd better set your napkin on fire. But be careful:
Some restaurant owners would be absolutely thrilled to see
their places burn down. It saves them the cost of hiring an
arsonist.

If a waiter or waitress happens to take your order, they'll
pass the information to the cook by yelling so loud that
pilots flying overhead can hear. Sometimes they'll use a
language you don't understand: "Mirubathbangkwaj,
thirumajafa, Coke, manchuriathong." They're of course
saying, "Bowl of chicken soup, rice with special sauce,
and a Coke for the customer with the funny hair."

Shouting an order to the cook is not just a form of
communication -- it's also good advertising. Everyone in
the restaurant can hear the order and some may say, "Rice
with special sauce? That sounds good."

In fact, that's the only advertising some restaurants do.
That's because they don't have enough business. If they
had more business, they'd advertise more.

So how do they survive?

Some survive by keeping their expenses down. They
haven't changed their plates and silverware since 1964.
And the last time they stocked the restrooms with toilet
paper, Sean Connery had hair.

Others survive by employing family members. Papa cooks
the food, Mama runs the register, daughter Maria waits on
tables, son Pablo washes the dishes, and cousin Jose fixes
the books.

Jose: "Good news, Pablo. Your papa doesn't need to pay
no taxes this year! We're getting a refund."

Pablo: "A refund? Isn't that something we give the
customers when they eat Papa's chili?"

Jose: "No, I'm talking about a tax refund. All I did was
subtract your salary and, just like that, we didn't make no
profit."

Pablo: "Salary? What salary? All I'm getting is three bucks
an hour. That's not even minimum wage."

Jose: "Hey, keep your voice down, Pablo. Your sister
might ask for a raise."

I'm not trying to single out Mexican restaurants. I'm sure
this happens at all types of restaurants - Chinese, Indian,
Italian, Ethiopian, Bosnian.

Unfortunately, when it comes to "fine dining," nobody has a
monopoly.

Send this column to a friend

                                             Don't forget to visit Melvin's funny blog!