Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE AN ODD BUNCH

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me
immense pleasure to introduce the top
candidates for president of the United
States. One will likely occupy the White
House in 2001, facing the daunting task of
asking Hillary Clinton to leave. Even more
challenging will be replacing the great
William Jefferson Clinton, who, despite all
the wars and economic trouble abroad, has
done an amazing job of keeping not only
America, but the entire world, entertained.

Only a couple of people have the potential
to match Clinton's talents, but unfortunately
Eddie Murphy and Jerry Seinfeld aren't
running. They don't want to take a pay cut.

So we'll just have to settle for one of these
candidates.

First the Democrats:

---Vice President Al Gore: He has trained
under Clinton for seven years and is ready
to prove that he can run the country just as
deficiently. But he hasn't quite mastered an
important political skill: lying. He claimed to
have invented the Internet, obviously trying
to outdo Clinton's impressive invention: the
intern net. Clinton has advised Gore to
loosen up, which is like asking Stevie
Wonder to learn to drive.

---Former Sen. Bill Bradley: America likes
tall presidents and the onetime basketball
player is 6 foot 5. He's got a knack for
raising money and could improve our
relations with China. He could also install a
hoop in the Oval Office and try to score as
often as Clinton. But lacking in specific
issues, Bradley has failed to set himself
apart from Gore and may have to resort
to a modest campaign slogan: "Just like
Gore, only taller."

Now the Republicans:

---Former Labor Secretary Elizabeth Dole:
In a country that has long promoted
women's rights, but failed to elect a female
president in the 20th century, Dole is trying
to be a pioneer. But many Americans still
can't accept a woman running the country,
except behind the scenes like Hillary. Even
Elizabeth's hubby, Bob, recently hinted that
he may contribute to her rival John McCain,
to which she must have said, "Bob, while
you're giving John money, you might as well
give him something else you won't be
needing for a long time: your Viagra."

---Texas Gov. George Bush: Even without
declaring his candidacy, Bush has built a
big lead in the polls. For some odd reason,
people like the sound of his name. Now if
only he can come up with a catchy phrase
like "no new taxes."

---Former Vice President Dan Quayle: He's
back in politics, after taking several years
off to brush up on his spelling. He'll be
stressing family values again and could
surprise everyone by winning one or two
stats. I mean, states.

---Magazine publisher Steve Forbes: The
tycoon is ready to spend millions on his
campaign. We'll see him in so many
television ads, we'll think he's selling beer.
The top question people will ask: "Was that
Steve Forbes or was that bitter-beer face?"

Finally the wild card:

---Larry King's favorite guest, Ross Perot:
The billionaire hasn't announced his
candidacy, but don't be surprised if he runs
again. He enjoys the limelight and is always
looking for ways to squander his money.
He's dying to get back on television, so he
can show all kinds of charts to prove the nation
is in big trouble.

And considering some of the candidates,
he may be right.

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