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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

ELECTION MESS BRINGS LOTS OF DISTRESS

Thanks to the miracle of television, we bring you the
517th special report on the presidential election.
Here’s veteran anchorman Bernard Shaw:

SHAW: "Hello and welcome back to CNN’s
breaking-news coverage of America’s election
mess, caused by thousands of incompetent voters,
who will forever be remembered as ‘The Florida
Flakes.’ First, a program reminder. Tonight, we’ll
have our 15th consecutive townhall meeting from
Palm Beach County. The topic of tonight’s meeting
is: ‘What do fishermen think of the electoral
college?’ After that, we’ll have a special edition of
‘Larry King Live.’ Larry’s guest tonight is Michael
Smith, a West Palm Beach resident who has filed
suit in federal court, arguing that his vote, for both
Vice President Gore and Pat Buchanan, should be
counted, because he has a split personality. Also
appearing on the show will be Smith’s neighbor,
Monica Jones, who claims that she and about
19,000 other Florida residents voted for two
presidential candidates on the same ballot
because they were certain that America has two
presidents: Bill Clinton and Martin Sheen. Since
Sheen plays a president on the NBC show 'The
West Wing,' Jones and other voters plan to sue the
network for ‘deceptive programming.’ They also
intend to sue Sheen for ‘deceptive acting.’ Another
suit has been filed by a group of people who
inadvertently voted for Al Gore, when they intended
to vote for Gore Vidal. Now we take you live to the
White House, where President Clinton is
addressing the nation."

CLINTON: "My fellow Americans, over the past two
weeks, our nation has become the laughingstock
of the world. That disturbs me deeply, because I’ve
worked hard over the last eight years to avoid any
sort of ridicule. I want to take this time to answer
some important questions facing the nation, such
as: Who will be the next president? What will
become of the electoral college? Why do we allow
people in Florida to vote? Some of you are
concerned that America will be leaderless, while
others aren’t worried, believing the country has
been leaderless for the last eight years. But that’s
not true at all. I’ve been a great leader. Just ask
any female senator from New York. I also want to
assure you that I’m prepared to continue leading
America until this election crisis is resolved,
sometime in 2020."

SHAW: "We have to interrupt the president’s
statements to bring you some new developments.
The Associated Press is reporting that Governor
Bush’s lead over Vice President Gore has
evaporated. Gore grabbed the lead after about
one million absentee ballots arrived this morning
from China. CNN has learned that Gore received
999,999 of those votes and Bush received 1.
Nevertheless, Gore has demanded a recount.
Bush supports the recount and also wants the
ballots to undergo DNA analysis. He’s also
considering two other types of analysis: GOP and
MSG. About 80 percent of Americans support a
recount, according to a USA Today/CNN/Gallup/Gore
Poll. The poll also found that 67% of Americans are
already sick and tired of Gore and Bush, and
would rather be led by Oprah. Let’s now go live to
West Palm Beach, where two Democratic leaders,
the Rev. Jesse Jackson and Warren Christopher,
are addressing a rally of voters protesting the
ballots."

JACKSON: "The ballot was unfair, that’s why we
must care. We’re here, not out of fear, but to
express our distress over the election mess. It’s
clear to the laymen, it’s clear to the gay men. You
cannot put this black ink on this white paper and
not have concerned citizens asking why. Why, in a
free country, must black always be on white? Why,
in a free country, can’t we have white on black?"

CHRISTOPHER: "Thank you, Jesse. There are
several other problems with the ballot. For
example, we sent the ballot to world-renowned
mathematician Rajiv Desai and, after only 12
hours of intense analysis, he has discovered a
serious discrepancy that likely affected the
election. The diameter of Vice President Gore’s
hole on the ballot is .001 percent smaller than
Governor Bush’s. In other words, Governor Bush
has a bigger hole than Vice President Gore. That
is unfair. All we want, all the American public want,
is for the holes to be equal."

JACKSON: "Equal holes, not equal goals. Gore’s
hole is much less, so we have an election mess.
When the hole is smaller, we will always holler."

SHAW: "Now let’s go live to another part of West
Palm Beach, where our reporter John King has a
live report with live people."

KING: "Thanks, Bernie. I’m here at ground zero,
taking the pulse of the nation. I just asked several
voters what they think of the electoral college.
Here’s what they said."

MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN: "The electoral college
is fine, but I’d rather send my kids to a private
college."

TWENTY-SOMETHING MAN: "The electoral
college is unfair to those of us who never went to
college. We should get rid of it and instead have
an electoral high school."

TEEN-AGE GIRL: "I learned in school that the
electoral college was created by our founding
fathers. I think it would work better if they had
remembered to consult our founding mothers."

SIXTY-SOMETHING MAN: "I support the electoral
college. I just wish more people would attend it.
Then maybe they’d learn how to vote properly."

KING: "As you can see, Bernie, these Floridians
have mixed opinions on the electoral college."

SHAW: "Yes, John, they sound pretty mixed up."

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