Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

GIVE YOURSELF AN EDGE IN THE JOB MARKET

These are tough economic times in America. If you're like
me, you're saving money any way you can. I've set my
thermostat down to 60 degrees, moved my couch closer to the
fireplace and replaced my firewood with Enron stock. Who
said they're worthless?

In this harsh economic climate, it's important to have a
job, any job. But finding a job isn't easy, especially since
so many companies are laying off workers. Competition for
jobs is so intense that Wal-Mart recently sent a rejection
letter to Dennis Rodman. "Dear Mr. Rodman: It appears you
may have misunderstood one of our advertisements. Just to
clear things up: Our PRICES are dropping, not our
standards."

With all the competition, it's vital for job seekers to give
themselves any edge, aside from asking George O'Leary to
write their resumés. That's why I've decided to offer a few
tips to help people stand out. Some of these tips may seem
obvious, but, trust me, they're often overlooked.

---Tip #1: Learn to speak English. When the economy was
strong, some folks were able to find decent jobs in America
by knowing just three words of English: "Me want job."
Others, realizing the importance of grammar, tried a little
harder: "Me wants job."

These days, three words aren't enough to secure a job in any
part of America outside Miami. Job seekers must learn at
least six words, particularly these six words: "Would you
like fries with that?"

They may seem like easy words, but some immigrants really
struggle with them. A few have been fired from fast-food
restaurants for repeatedly asking customers, "Would you like
flies with that?"

As you can imagine, a number of customers complained. One
man in West Virginia was enraged. "Hey, I ordered flies with
my burger, not fries."

---Tip #2: Go easy on the tattoos and body piercing, unless
you plan to join the circus. One or two is OK, but when your
entire body is green and every appendage is pierced, don't
expect the Christian Light Bookstore to hire you.

Yes, I know: some tattoos are art. In fact, Leonardo Da
Vinci once considered putting Mona Lisa on someone's butt.
But he didn't realize that, with the help of a navel ring,
he could have hung that butt in a gallery.

---Tip #3: Make a good impression at the job interview. Wear
some nice clothes and, even if it's not the right day of the
month, consider taking a bath. Don't let the interviewer
smell you before he sees you.

If you're a man, it's probably a good idea to trim your
nails, mustache and any unruly locks of nose hair. If you're
a woman, try to keep your facial hair to a minimum --
without removing your eyebrows.

---Tip #4: Do some research. Employers are impressed when
you know something about them. You might want to find out,
for example, what they do. Don't ask the manager of Cracker
Barrel how heavy the barrels are. And don't ask the manager
of Subway when the first train arrives.

---Tip #5: Don't do drugs. Most employers test for drugs and
if you fail the test, you won't get a second chance, unless
you're in the National Football League. If you like to get
high several times a week, apply for a job as a flight
attendant. It's safer and it won't deplete your bank
account. Which means you'll have enough money to buy art
for your wall, not your butt.

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