Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

A DICTIONARY FOR SELF-MOTIVATED SELF-STARTERS

At any given time, more than a billion people around the
world are unemployed. About a third of them are actively
looking for jobs, another third are searching half-heartedly
and the remaining third have resigned themselves to living
with a rich relative. Or at least a relative who has a
decent job and a pull-out couch.

Finding work isn't easy, especially when you have trouble
understanding the job ads and figuring out exactly what
employers want. Some want you to be a "self-starter," as
though you're a lawn mower or something. Others expect you
to list three references on your application, as though
"dictionary" and "encyclopedia" aren't enough. A few want to
pay you a salary that's "commensurate with your experience,"
as though you've had any experience at all with the word
"commensurate."

To make things easier for job seekers, I've decided to
create an "employment dictionary" that explains, from an
employer's point of view, the various terms and phrases
found in job ads. Some of the entries would look like this:

"Salary negotiable": We don't want to mention any salary
here, just in case you're willing to work for less. Don't
worry: We will pay you what we paid the previous person or
what you expect to be paid, whichever is lower.

"Previous experience necessary": We will not consider future
experience. Please tell us only what you did in the past,
not what you plan to do in the future. Nobody can predict
the future, but we can certainly look into your past.

"Excellent P.C. skills required": We expect everyone in our
office to be politically correct. You must not make fun of
the Zambian man who says, "Sank God it's Fly-day," nor
the Indian guy who warns everyone about "compooter wire
sirs."

"Must be self-motivated": We prefer employees who can
inspire themselves, including those who are inspired to take
a nap under the desk. We particularly desire self-motivated
self-starters who have self-esteem, self-confidence and a
good collection of self-help books.

"Exceptional communication skills needed": When we ask you
if you've done any bookkeeping, we don't want to hear about
all those Danielle Steel novels you didn't return to the
library. And when we ask you to "cc the human resources
director," we don't want you to go and see the director
twice.

"Come and join our winning team": We haven't won anything
in our lives. By calling ourselves a "winning team," we're
hoping to forget all our sports disappointments, including
the last-place finish in the kindergarten egg-and-spoon
race.

"We offer an attractive benefits package": The president's
secretary has a particularly attractive package. Please do
not touch it. That's not one of your benefits.

"Energetic and enthusiastic individual needed": Your energy
will be highly valued in our office, especially when we ask
you to fetch the coffee. Your enthusiasm will come in handy
too: We expect you to jump and scream when we give you the
annual bonus, free fries at McDonald's.

"You must have good organizational skills": We may ask you
to organize the company picnic. But if our budget is skimpy,
please do not organize any type of strike. Otherwise you may
have to organize a group trip to the unemployment office.

"No phone calls please": We hired the president's niece as
our receptionist. She's still trying to figure out how to
answer the phone. We're trying to teach her the proper
greeting: "Hold please." If you have any questions about our
job openings, please consult Melvin's employment dictionary.
Especially the section about nepotism.

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