Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

FOOTBALL PRODUCES LOTS OF FIGHTING

American football is a such a brutal sport. During almost
every game, fights break out and people call each other
nasty names. And the referees can't do anything about it
because they have no control over spectators.

Sure, there's a lot of hitting and name-calling on the
field, but it can't compare to the frenzy in the stands and
in living rooms across America. That's where the real battle
is. That's where boys become men, and men become crazy.

They act like nothing is more important than a football
game, not even that living arrangement known as a marriage.
If we could televise all the fights between husbands and
wives over football, no one would watch the actual games.
They would seem too dull.

"What do you get out of sitting on your big butt all day,
watching grown men throw a ball?" a wife would yell,
searching for the remote control.

"More joy than you've ever given me," her husband would
reply, sliding the remote under the big butt.

Of course, not all men are like this. Some have small butts.

But regardless of butt size, many men -- and some women --
go absolutely nuts over football. I know this because I
happen to be one of these men. On Sunday afternoons, when my
favorite team, the Seattle Seahawks, is playing, my entire
life is on hold. The telephone can ring all it wants, I'm
not  answering. And if someone is brave enough to knock on
my door, they had better tell me I've won the lottery.

As you've probably guessed, my wife and I don't agree on the
merits of watching football. I find it tremendously
enjoyable; she has more fun scrubbing the bathtub. If only I
could get her to do it on Sunday afternoons.

Her interests are more sublime than football: literature,
theater, movies, yoga, chess. I've tried to convince her
that football is similar to chess, but with more action and
fewer Russians. I've tried to show her that the typical
football fan has the foresight of a chess grandmaster,
capable of deep conversations such as this:

Fan: "Each team has two timeouts left. You know what that
means?"

Second fan: "Yes, it means we have enough time, in all
probability, to buy four more beers!"

I've tried to tell my wife that football isn't just about
men hitting each other -- it's also about men jumping on
each other. And the players really don't mind the violence.
That's why, after every game, many of them get together to
pray. "Dear God, please help our injured teammates."

I've tried to explain some of the fascinating aspects of
American football. For example:

---Games are 60 minutes long. The actual length of the games
is about three hours, if you include timeouts, injuries, and
the time it takes players to climb off each other. The
actual playing time is about 18 seconds. Especially if you
include the celebrations.

---The team with the ball has four chances to gain at least
10 yards. They can run with the ball or throw it. A
touchdown is scored when an offensive player enters the end
zone and begins to dance. An extra point is awarded for a
really good dance.

---Kicking the ball is generally illegal. Though it's called
"football," the only players who can kick the ball are the
punter and the kicker. The kicker usually faces a lot of
pressure. When he misses a field goal, he risks not only
getting cut from the team, but also being deported.

---Football players wear helmets, which means that, unlike
many motorcyclists, they value their brains.

---Each official keeps a yellow flag in his back pocket and
throws it on the ground whenever he spots an infraction.
This is the most appealing part of football for female
spectators because it's the only time they get to see a man
picking up after himself.

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