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HAITIANS CAN'T CATCH A BREAK

There are many ways to immigrate to America, but arriving on
its shores in a boat from Haiti isn't one of them. That's
what more than 200 Haitian migrants discovered when they
jumped off a freighter in Florida and were promptly rounded
up and detained, before they had a chance to vote in
the Nov. 5 election.

But their case still became an important election issue,
with Haitian immigrants urging Florida Gov. Jeb Bush to
call big brother and say, "Come on, George, let them stay.
They're willing to do just about anything, even catch
alligators in our sewers. There's also a slight chance
they'll be willing to become Republicans."

Supporters of the Haitian migrants want them to receive the
same treatment as Cubans, who are allowed to stay in America
no matter how they get here: floating on a raft, stowing
away on a ship, hiding under Anna Nicole Smith's dress.

The Haitians believe their detention has something to do
with race -- and I agree. It has everything to do with race,
particularly the Haitians' inability to race away from
immigration authorities.

Only a few Haitians managed to get away. Immigration
officers are lucky the boat did not come from Kenya, because
Kenyans are good runners. Kenyans dominated the 2002 New
York City Marathon, taking the top spot in the women's
division and top three spots in the men's. Imagine how much
faster they'd run being chased by immigration officers. It
would be better than steroids. Trust me.

The Haitians, unfortunately, weren't quite that speedy,
partly because the long trip had exhausted them. Perhaps
they also believed they'd be welcomed to America, much like
the Cubans. Anyone from Cuba is automatically granted
political asylum, even if they can't play for the New
York Yankees.

This long-standing policy assumes that Cubans are running
from a repressive regime, whereas Haitians are just running
from poverty (or at least walking from it). But what about
people from other countries ruled by tyrants, countries such
as Iraq and Libya? Why aren't they automatically given
political asylum? Why must they go to Kinko's for their
green cards?

The Haitian migrants enjoyed only a few minutes of
freedom on American soil and weren't able to get green
cards the usual way: by marrying Americans. "I can afford a
bride," said one man. "I just can't afford a minister."

Many immigrants have gained permanent residency through
jobs -- and not just baseball jobs. If you're highly
skilled, you're highly welcome. But the Haitians won't get a
chance to show what they can do, aside from steering a boat
back to Haiti.

Yes, for all their efforts, they will likely gain only a
stamp from the Immigration and Naturalization Service, a
stamp that says "return to sender." Their only chance,
besides a presidential reprieve, is to somehow prove that
they deserve political asylum.

Haitian woman: "I want asylum because I have run away from a
dictator."

Immigration officer: "Do you mean President Aristide?"

Woman: "No, I mean my mother-in-law. She is always telling
me what to do. Please don't send me back. I would rather go
to Cuba."

Officer: "Excellent idea! If you go to Cuba, then come here,
we might let you stay."


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