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DON'T HATE THE AMERICANS

There are people in the world who hate Americans, people who
think Americans are self-absorbed, insincere, and arrogant,
and to such people, I have only one thing to say: I am not
an American.

Well, in many ways, I am. Such as the way I feel sorry for
myself because my car, unlike so many others on the road,
doesn't have enough room for an elephant. Which means, of
course, that I'll never be of much use to the circus.

Then there's the way I get impatient when I have to wait for
my lunch, all because the microwave is too slow. "Two whole
minutes!" I mutter. "I should have gone for some fast food."

But such quirks of American life are besides the point. The
point is, anyone who hates Americans does not really know
Americans, just as anyone who hates Mexicans does not really
know Salma Hayek. (Note to wife: I'm referring to Ms.
Hayek's acting ability, which is, in a word, HOT.)

Unfortunately, hating Americans is a pastime in some parts
of the world, almost as popular as camel racing. Many Arabs,
for example, hate Americans so much, it's truly amazing that
they're willing to sell America their oil.

Middle Eastern bumper sticker: "I hate Americans, but love
their big cars."

Tell people in Cairo that a group of Americans went near a
holy mosque and they'll probably go on a massive riot, never
mind that the mosque happened to be in New York.

Some extremists believe that Muslims should have nothing to
do with Americans, a rule that's not always easy to follow,
especially for millions of Muslim Americans. "OK, I'm going
to be a Muslim during the day and an American at night. And
perhaps an Independent on weekends."

The "liberation" of Iraq notwithstanding, America has done
little to lessen the hatred -- or even try to understand it.
And it's only getting worse. One Iranian man is even
considering giving up sex, because he heard that Americans
like to do it, too. Another Iranian, upon hearing that
Americans like to sing and dance, gasped and said, "Oh no.
The Americans are so much like us. If I hear that they love
their children, too, I might have to kill myself."

What so many people don't understand is how strongly
Americans believe in freedom and equality -- and not just
for themselves. You may doubt the motives of the government
in invading Iraq, you may question America's terribly
inconsistent foreign policy, but trust me on this: many
Americans would risk their lives to free other people around
the world, even if the people had no idea where to find oil.

Most Americans believe in freedom of religion and will
support your right to worship whomever you please. Even if
you decided to worship a merry-go-round, you'd have no
trouble getting a few Americans to support you. Well, at
least Michael Jackson.

America was once a land of slavery, but most Americans today
aren't interested in controlling other people. They're too
busy trying to control their children.

I'm not saying Americans are better than Australians,
Zimbabweans or anyone else in the world. I'm just saying
they don't deserve the hatred; they're more deserving of
respect, admiration -- and, yes, even love.

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