Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

"INSURANCE COULD PROTECT US
FROM EVERYTHING"

Some months ago, a newspaper article
made me realize that I haven't bought
enough insurance. I'm insured against
car accidents, fires and all kinds of
illnesses, but what if I'm out on the streets
one day and happen to run into Mike Tyson?

And what if he starts drooling at the sight of
my big ears? Does my health insurance
cover ear transplants?

I know Mike's in prison right now, but he'll be
out in a few months and he's likely to be
pretty mad.

Anyone who's made fun of him could face his
wrath. So it's about time insurance companies
started selling a new form of insurance:
crazy-athlete insurance. This insurance would
protect you if Mike tries to bite you, Latrell
Sprewell tries to choke you, or O.J. tries to kill
you.

After all, according to the article by Vicki
Haddock of the "San Francisco Examiner,"
some insurance companies have started
offering all kinds of strange policies.

A London firm has sold policies against alien
abduction, impregnation and werewolf
metamorphosis.

Perhaps I should buy a policy. I'm not afraid of
being kidnapped by aliens or turning into a
werewolf, but the thought of pregnancy terrifies
me. I don't know how women do it. They're
certainly not the weaker sex.

Apparently, thousands of people have bought
insurance against aliens. I'd like to buy
insurance against these people.

The only aliens I've ever had contact with are
illegal aliens. And they're a fine group of people,
who never once tried to kidnap me. Some even
spoke my language.

A few insurance companies even let you insure
your most valued body parts. Mary Hart insured
her legs, Bruce Springsteen insured his vocal
cords, and we can only guess what Bill Clinton
insured.

It seems to me we need many more kinds of
insurance, such as these:

---Nasty-boss insurance: If your boss is too
overbearing, this insurance would give the boss a
free vacation to Paris. But the plane, filled with
rotten bosses, would be suddenly "hijacked" to
Siberia. This would be the best-selling insurance
in the world.

---Bad-hair insurance: This covers you if your hair
stylist, through perms and dyes, accidentally makes
you look like an alien. The insurance company
would allow you to profit from the disaster, paying
you to scare other people into buying alien-abduction
insurance.

---Marriage insurance: If your marriage breaks up,
the insurance company would replace your spouse
with a gorgeous mail-order bride or groom. Pay a
higher premium and you'd actually get someone who
speaks English.

---Child-support insurance: If your ex-husband doesn't
pay up, the insurance company would give you enough
money to hire someone to break his knees.

---Circumcision insurance: If the scalpel slips, this
insurance would pay for a reattachment. If the surgery
fails, the insurance would pay for a thousand visits to
a psychiatrist. And a set of Barbie dolls.

---Stupidity insurance: This covers you if you do
anything stupid, including driving while drunk, exercising
while sick, and flirting while married.

---Insurance-agent insurance: This protects you from
pushy insurance agents. The insurance company would
replace your agent as many times as you want. As
long as you don't request an agent from outer space.
That would cost extra.

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