Humor: Democracy thrives in Iraq

If you thought Saddam Hussein, the longtime president of
Iraq, was a dictator, you're probably still reeling from the
recent election, which established Hussein as the most popular leader in the history of the world.

In fact, compared to him, George W. Bush seems as popular in
America as bacon bits in Baghdad.

Iraq has 11,445,638 eligible voters and every single one of them cast ballots, according to Iraqi officials. As if that isn't impressive enough, Hussein received 100% of the vote. Even his camels voted for him.

The word "astounding" doesn't begin to describe these
results. The state of Florida has already sent a delegation
to Iraq to learn how to run an election.

They're trying to determine how Iraq managed a 100% turnout,
when a 40% turnout is considered a major success in Florida,
even if half the voters have to be rounded up from bingo
halls.

Truth is, Florida Governor Jeb Bush can't even imagine a
turnout higher than 60% -- and that's just at his dinner
table. To achieve a 100% turnout on election day, he'd have
to offer Floridians something that would greatly improve
their lives, such as a year's supply of Metamucil. (They may
take democracy for granted, but certainly not fiber.)

But a 100% turnout was apparently no big deal in Iraq,
especially since people were eager to support their
president, show a united front against America, and get free
candy and T-shirts.

Imagine the sacrifices that were made. Some pregnant women
postponed labor to visit the polls. "I voted for Mr.
Hussein," one woman said. "And so did my baby."

Sick people left hospitals to vote, some walking, others
crawling. One patient jumped off the operating table,
saying, "I need to get to the voting booth. All my doctors
have gone there."

Voters were given two choices in the election: "yes" and
"no." And 100% of them voted "yes," giving their president a
resounding victory over the word "no." Who knew democracy
could be so simple?

It was Hussein's best performance in an election. In 1995,
he received 99.96% of the vote. Only a few thousand people
voted "no." May they all rest in peace.

With only one presidential candidate, Iraqi elections are
rather predictable. But how can you blame Hussein? All his
opponents have either died or left the country. "I can't run
for president," one opponent said. "I'm too busy running
from president."

Iraqi-style democracy may seem strange, but no stranger than
democracy in a number of countries, including Zimbabwe and
Pakistan. After millions of votes are cast, the president
always claims victory, proud that his people picked him to
do the vote-rigging.

American democracy is far better, but less than perfect.
When only two parties have real power, when a candidate can
win the popular vote, but lose the election, when money is
often more important than message, when many people are
reluctant to vote, don't be surprised if Saddam Hussein
looks over here and laughs. Especially after he has had a
few beers.

"Those Amreekans! They think they have democracy. They
don't even let their goats vote."