Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

THE KITCHEN CAN BE AN UNFRIENDLY PLACE

Feeling brave the other day, I ventured into the
kitchen and attempted to cook something. That
was a big mistake, because I wasn’t alone. My
wife, Malathi, was watching me closely -- like an
examiner at the driver’s license center -- waiting
for me to do something incredibly stupid. She
didn’t have to wait long.

"Why are you using frozen vegetables when we
have so many fresh vegetables?"

"I always use frozen vegetables."

"Don’t you know that fresh vegetables are more
nutritious than frozen vegetables?"

"I ... well ... uh ..."

I felt like an accused murderer who had just
been declared insane.

Malathi: "Your honor, my husband is definitely
insane. He used frozen vegetables to make a
stir-fry meal. Do you need any more proof?"

Judge: "No, you’ve proved your case well. It’s
too bad you married a guy who’s clueless in the
kitchen."

Malathi: "Trust me, your honor, that’s not the only
room he’s clueless in."

I don’t know why Malathi brought up nutrition.
Had she ever seen me snacking on bean
sprouts? Had I ever eaten a cucumber for
dessert? In my world, such foods barely exist. I
hurry past them in the grocery store as though
they’re carrying something contagious.

Needless to say, I was soon fired from my
temporary job as cook, dismissed without a
single paycheck. Malathi took over the cooking,
tossing all sorts of fresh veggies into a hot wok
and probably wishing she could toss me in there,
too. The bag of frozen veggies was returned to
the freezer, where it will likely remain until at
least 2005, the next time I try to cook something.

Let this be a warning to all men: If you live with a
woman, the kitchen is dangerous territory. You’d
be safer in the Australian outback, wrestling with
crocodiles. At least when they snap at you, it
won’t hurt your pride.

Before you even think about cooking, ask
yourself an important question: Wouldn’t you
rather save yourself a lot of trouble, as well as
embarrassment, by choosing a better
alternative, such as starvation?

Just look at all the tools and gadgets in the
kitchen and admit to yourself that you have no
idea what some of them do. No, the big slotted
spoon isn’t used to keep knives from sliding
down the drain. And the flat wooden spoon isn’t
used to swat the flies. It’s used to swat the
husband.

Don’t even bother with all the seasonings and
spices. How can men be expected to
understand coriander, cumin, oregano and
thyme, when we’re still trying to figure out salt
and pepper? My wife has so many spices in so
many bottles, I’m beginning to think she’s a
collector. Some seasonings seem so similar
(try saying that 50 times). We’ve got not just
garlic powder, but also garlic salt, and soon
we’ll be getting garlic breath.

And what about the refrigerator? If you can
identify everything in there, you deserve a
presidential medal of honor. Aside from
occasionally fishing out the ice cream, I’m
afraid to look through our freezer. It has far too
many UFOs (unidentified frozen objects).
Some have been frozen since at least the
Mesozoic Era.

You see, my wife has a problem, one that more
people should have. She hates to waste food.
When we have leftovers, she says, "We
shouldn’t waste this," and she packs it up and
sticks it somewhere in the refrigerator, where it
will easily be found one day by archeologists.
Well, at least they’ll know we were concerned
about nutrition.

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