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Nshima & Curry
Nshima & Curry
"PRESIDENTIAL RACE NEEDS FEMALE
For at least another five years, the United
States will not have a female president or
even a strong female candidate. That's
because Elizabeth Dole, the sole woman in
the 2000 race, dropped out last week,
shattering the hopes of her many
supporters. They knew that Dole was a
special candidate, a woman who could
create a lot of excitement in the White
House, without wearing thong underwear.
Electing Dole as president could have
been the last great act of the millennium,
sending a message to the world that
America truly believes in equality of the
sexes and it's not just something imaginary,
like punctuality at a doctor's office. But
instead, we've posted an employment ad
outside the White House that reads:
"HELP WANTED: President. The United
States seeks applicants for the most
prestigious job in the land, other than
hosting a talk show. The president's
responsibilities include balancing the
budget, declaring war against foreign
countries, and making a daily apology. At
least once a week, he will also be expected
to deliver a speech condemning the latest
round of gun violence. He must create a
positive image for the country by
conducting himself in a manner that's
acceptable to every American who watches
Jerry Springer. If he plays a musical
instrument, it will help him gain publicity on
late-night talk shows, but lacking such
ability, he can always create a scandal or
two. He must be American-born, at least 35
years old, and preferably English-speaking.
It's helpful but not necessary for him to
know what 'is' is. If he speaks a second
language, such as Chinese, it will help him
raise lots of money. It's also a plus if he has
an advanced degree, such as a D.I.D.
(Doctorate in Issuing Denials). Salary:
$400,000, plus an unlimited supply of free
food and interns. Women are encouraged
to be candidates, especially women willing
to do a man's job: withdrawing prematurely.
All candidates will be considered in
alphabetical order: men first, women last."
I'm not saying we need a female president
just for the sake of it, but it seems strange
that a country that's supposed to be a world
leader, a country that has elected 42
presidents, including the likes of Bill Clinton
and Richard Nixon, can't find a qualified
woman. We've put people on the moon,
we've discovered cures for deadly
diseases, we've even found wives for
Michael Jackson. But we somehow can't
put a woman in the White House.
We're quick to criticize the treatment of
women in Asia, but how many Asian
countries have elected women to the
highest office? Off the top of my head, I can
think of India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka and the
Philippines. Just last week, Indonesia's
highest lawmaking body elected Megawati
Sukarnoputri as vice president, after her
supporters went on a rampage.
Dole dropped out because she couldn't
raise enough money to compete against
Texas Gov. George W. Bush, the
front-runner for the Republican nomination.
Bush is a master at raising money, drawing
contributions from everyone, even the
panhandlers. He shouldn't be president of
the United States -- he should be president
of The United Way.
It's too bad you need money to be
president, because Dole had a lot to offer,
including enthusiasm, charisma and
integrity. But she still has a shot at the
vice presidency. Especially if all the women
in America go on a rampage.