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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

LANDLORDS ARE MASTERS OF YOUR DOMAIN

A friend once asked me whether I'd like to
adopt a black puppy from the animal
shelter. "It's so cute," she said.

She wanted to adopt the puppy herself, but
her landlord would have thrown a fit. And
then he might have thrown her out.

I couldn't adopt the puppy either, because
my apartment is also ruled by a landlord. My
landlord has all kinds of written and
unwritten rules, most designed to ensure
that I never see my security deposit.

Some examples:

---No jumping jacks in the middle of the
night, no matter how strong my urge to
exercise. The tenants in the apartment
below might think we're having an
earthquake. If they die of shock, it would be
a real tragedy, especially to my landlord,
who would lose some rent money. And he
may decide to do some jumping jacks on
me.

---No personal washing machines or dryers.
I'm not even allowed to dry clothes in the
oven. My landlord must own stock in the
local laundromat.

---No loud parties without inviting the
neighbors and anyone else who might
complain to the landlord.

---No pets unless they swim in an aquarium.
And as I've found, it's hard to turn a cat into
a catfish.

Of course, I've never broken any of my
landlord's rules. I'm hesitant to do anything
that might upset him. I have a
month-to-month lease, which means I could
be homeless next month.

Like all my previous landlords, he seems to
hold a lot of power over me. His title itself
intimidates me. He's a landLORD and I'm a
tenANT. A lord is always more powerful
than an ant. He could step on me and not
even know it.

These titles go back to the early days in
England when a certain lord of the manor
allowed his land to be occupied by ten ants.

Things would be easier if we could change
these titles. I'd rather be a tenlord and have
him as my landant.

After more than 10 years of renting, I've
become an expert on landlords.

Here's some free advice:

---Paying the rent on time is crucial. Don't
wait for a bill. And don't ask if there's a
minimum monthly payment. The landlord 
isn't running a credit agency. That's why the
rent is due at the beginning of the month,
not after you get paid.

---If you're expected to give 30 days notice
to break the lease, don't try 29 days.
Asking your landlord for such a favor is like
borrowing money from your wife to hire a
divorce lawyer.

---Try to avoid landlords who are lawyers.
It's hard enough dealing with a landlord who
doesn't have power of attorney. I rented
from a lawyer once. Big mistake. He wrote
the lease in his own language. Every time I
complained about something, I thought he
would sue me.

---Don't bother trying to conceal any
damage to your apartment when you leave.
Most landlords are blessed with a sixth
sense, the sense of detection. They can
detect a missing thread in a carpet. And
soon, your security deposit will also be
missing.

Through experience, I've learned not to test
my landlord's skills. That's why I decided
not to adopt that cute puppy.

If my landlord overheard a puppy
whimpering in my apartment, I'd soon be
the one whimpering.

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