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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

IT'S EASY TO SELL YOURSELF TO THE LOTTERY

The recent $363-million Big Game jackpot
produced three winners: two lucky ticket
buyers and one lucky ticket seller. While the
buyers get to split the jackpot, John
Sweeney, an Illinois convenience store
owner, was awarded a $1.8 million bonus
for selling one of the winning tickets. All I
can say is, ain't America great? You can get
filthy rich without trying, even if you haven’t
worked a single day for Microsoft.

While Sweeney is rolling in money, his
counterpart in Michigan is miffed. George
Kessab, an Iraqi immigrant, sold the other
winning ticket, but received a bonus of only
$2,000. All I can say is, ain't America unfair?
Among seven states that sponsor the Big
Game jackpot, Illinois offers the highest
bonus, Michigan the lowest. "I won’t accept
it," Kessab told The Detroit News. "It’s an
insult." You’re right, Mr. Kessab. Don’t let
them treat you that way. Don’t accept that
money. Just send it to me. I don’t mind
being insulted. I’m used to it. I’ll take as
many $2,000 insults as you can provide.

As a protest against the insulting treatment
of Kessab, I’m never again buying lottery
tickets. No, sir. I’m moving to Illinois to sell
them. The more I sell, the higher the
chances that one of my customers will win.
And if they all lose, well ... too bad for them.
Didn’t they know that the odds of winning
are equal to the odds of, say, Congress
voting in secret to give themselves a pay
cut? Or George W. Bush picking Madonna
as his running mate. It could happen, but
you might as well bet on something more
likely, such as Elvis winning the Olympic
marathon.

However long the odds, I’ll be the most
aggressive lottery dealer:

ME: "Good morning, Mr. Patel. Back for
more lottery tickets?"

PATEL: "Yes, I need a pack of Marlboros
and 100 Big Game tickets. I feel lucky today."

ME: "You need a lot of luck, with all that
smoking you do. You know, you could get
cancer."

PATEL: "Yes, but what are the odds of that?
Besides, when I win the lottery, I'll be able to
afford health insurance."

ME: "But why are you buying only 100
tickets? Come on, Mr. Patel. How do you
expect us ... I mean you and your wife to win?"

PATEL: "I have only $200 left from my
paycheck. I still need to pay the electric bill
and buy some food."

ME: "Forget about electricity, Mr. Patel.
You can do without electricity. Do you think
your grandparents had electricity in their
hut? You can manage just fine with
kerosene. It’s pretty safe. Just make sure
you sleep near a window."

PATEL: "But what about the food?"

Me: "Food? How can you think about food
at a time like this? The jackpot is $363
million, Mr. Patel. That’s enough money to
buy an election. Haven’t you always wanted
to be a senator? You can move to New
York and run against Hillary. It’s not too late.
I’m telling you, Mr. Patel, being a senator is
better than having food."

PATEL: "But what will I tell my wife? She
sent me to buy food."

ME: "Tell her she needs to go on a diet. At
least until you win the lottery. Then you can
eat as much food as you want. Like your
grandparents, you can buy your very own hut
-- a Pizza Hut. If you’re smart, Mr. Patel,
you’ll also make your wife sign a
post-nuptial agreement. You don’t want her
to squander all your winnings on QVC. Try
to limit her spending to about $10,000 a day."

PATEL: "Thanks for your advice. I can tell
you really care. I’ll take 200 tickets. And
forget about the Marlboros. I’m quitting
smoking. I want to be alive to spend all my
money."

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