Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

GIVE THIS MINORITY A JOB

A decade ago, when the editors of a Pennsylvania newspaper
hired me as a reporter, they scored points with the paper's
parent company, not because of my qualifications, but
because of what I like to call my "permanent tan."

About 25 people worked in the newsroom and my hiring doubled
the number of minority staffers, not to mention the
consumption of doughnuts. In fact, an editor listed me as
"black" on a company report, the first time in my life it
had benefited me to be blacklisted.

As skin color goes, I was certainly as "black" as anyone
else, but hailing from Asia, I preferred a racial category
that seemed more appropriate: "CaucAsian." However, for the
purposes of getting a job, I was willing to go by almost any
label, even "Asiatic Humanoid."

My race probably wasn't the deciding factor in my hiring,
but it certainly helped. Newspapers have long practiced a
form of affirmative action, trying to diversify their
staffs, opening doors that were once firmly shut. Some are
so eager to hire minorities that I've been able to simplify
the cover letters I send them: "Dear Editor: I'm Asiatic.
Looking forward to hearing from you."

In case they don't understand the significance of my letter,
I attach a large picture of myself, with the word
"DIVERSITY" printed across my forehead. The fine print
reads: "This applicant has never visited a tanning salon.
Nor has he come into contact with shoe polish."

I don't want to give the impression, however, that white
folks have trouble getting jobs at newspapers. They don't.
Just last year, several thousand were hired, including a
young woman who, in a stroke of brilliance, changed her
first name to "Minority." The editor of an Idaho newspaper
offered her a job, then ran to the publisher's office and
yelled, "Great news! We've finally got ourselves a
Minority!"

Even editors of the esteemed New York Times, upon spotting a
minority near their building, have been known to drop their
doughnuts and run toward him or her with arms outspread.
They've been able to nab many minorities this way, but a few
turned out to be not minorities at all, but very dirty bums.
(One of these bums now covers the environment. So to speak.)

In truth, the Times' editors have high standards, but they
nevertheless hired and promoted a young African-American
reporter named Jayson Blair, whose ability to produce
corrections made him the envy of prison wardens everywhere.

Blair was blessed with immense talent, especially a talent
for fiction. He was also good at plagiarism, and somehow
managed to con editors for four years. Perhaps they were too
busy celebrating the diversity to pay any attention to the
perversity.

Some observers see Blair's downfall as a fault of
affirmative action. But that's like blaming the entire
cosmetic surgery industry for Michael Jackson's nose.

Dishonesty crosses all races. When Stephen Glass, a young
white writer, admitted fabricating articles for the New
Republic, nobody challenged a system that in many ways still
favors the majority.

In a perfect world, affirmative action would be a thing of
the past, and so would racism. Until then, I'd like to offer
two words of advice for editors of the New York Times and
other newspapers:

I'm Asiatic.

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