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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE MIND OF A MONKEY

For many moviegoers, the new blockbuster "Planet of the
Apes" raises an interesting question: What if monkeys ruled
the world? I've never asked myself that question, because I
like to deal with reality -- and the reality is that we're
already being ruled by monkeys.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not referring to the intellect of
George W. Bush or his status as America's top banana. As
many readers have pointed out to me, Bush's education speaks
for itself. He graduated from prestigious Yale University --
while taking extra-credit classes at neighboring Ale
University.

Not satisfied with his B.S. degree from Yale, Bush went on
to Harvard Business School, where he earned a master's
degree in B.S. No, excuse me, it was an MBA (master's in
business administration), which prepared him for various
types of business: real estate business, oil business,
monkey business. By "monkey business," I'm referring of
course to "politics."

For the record, Yale and Harvard have yet to admit any
monkeys, mainly because monkeys, even the most intelligent
ones, cannot afford the tuition. That's because, as our
parents often told us, money does not grow on trees. If it
did, many monkeys would be attending college and there'd be
a lot less mischief on campus. Not to mention fewer alcohol
and drug problems.

If you doubt the intelligence of monkeys, let me remind you
of Koko the gorilla, who in 1998 participated in the first
interspecies chat on the Internet, demonstrating her special
communication skills, which almost landed her a job as a
talk show host. (She lost to Jerry Springer in a dead heat.)

Koko has learned over 1,000 words of American sign language
and is more adept at using her fingers than the average New
York City cab driver.

Dr. Francine "Penny" Patterson, one of the scientists who
trained Koko, used sign language to allow the gorilla to
chat with America Online (AOL) users. Here's an excerpt
from the chat:

AOL user: "Koko, what do you think of the fighting in the
Middle East, Sri Lanka and Northern Ireland?"

Koko (using sign language): "Banana."

Patterson (translating): "Koko thinks that all the
people who are fighting have gone bananas."

Koko: "Nuts."

Patterson: "Koko adds that they've also gone nuts."

If you still have doubts about monkey intelligence, consider
the case of Chippy, a 11-year-old chimpanzee at a Scottish
safari park who recently stole a mobile (cell) phone and
learned to use it. (No, he didn't call Koko.)

"Some of the wardens started getting mysterious phone calls
the next morning," park employee Gary Gilmour told Reuters.
They'd better keep an eye on Chippy, because in  a couple of
years, a scary thing will happen: He will turn into a
teen-ager!

He has already made history -- and his list of achievements
may soon be impressive:

2001: Chippy learns to use mobile phone.

2003: Chippy sends email to park visitors.

2005: Chippy is elected British prime minister.

2007: Chippy arranges peace in Middle East.

2009: Chippy earns honorary B.S. from Yale.

2010: Chippy opens office in Harlem.

If monkeys ruled the world, would things get any worse?
Would there be more needless killings in the Middle East?
Would there be more needless poverty in Africa? Would there
be more needless Eminem music in America?

Considering all the problems in the world, maybe we should
put a few monkeys in charge. Real monkeys, that is.

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