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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

LIFE AFTER THE OBITUARY

Bob Hope, the great comedian who died recently, lived so
long, he reached an amazing milestone. No, I don't mean
turning 100. So many people turn 100 these days that the
Department of Motor Vehicles has stopped sending them free
binoculars. (Don't worry: The roads are as safe as ever.
Just stay off the pavements.)

Hope, the king of one-liners, did something few people have
ever done: He outlived the man who wrote his obituary. Left
him in the dust, so to speak.

Vincent Canby, who composed Hope's obit for The New York
Times, died in 2000. He wrote the obit before his death, but
apparently not -- forgive the expression -- on deadline.

It's common practice for major newspapers to write obits of
aging or ailing public figures in advance, anticipating
their deaths long before relatives start to dream of the
inheritance. Some papers keep dozens of obits "in the can,"
ready to smother readers with exhaustive pieces that delve
into every aspect of the deceased's life: "Strom Thurmond's
kindergarten teacher once described him as the ultimate
class clown. It was an early sign that he would enjoy
immense success in politics."

Each canned obit is updated every year or so, as the
soon-to-be-deceased clings to life with such zeal, he
appears to be mocking the obit writer. "Ha ha! I'm not just
alive, I'm extremely active. Just ask my friends how many
times a day I visit the bathroom. Go ahead and put that in
my obit!"

Indeed, obit writers are often forced to update their pieces
with new, unforeseen accomplishments: "Even in his late
eighties, Gerald Ford continued to be active in politics,
serving two terms as president of the neighborhood bingo
league."

For the beloved Ronald Reagan, newspapers haven't just
composed in-depth obits, they've prepared hefty special
sections. The day after Reagan passes, Democrats will
doubtless blame him for another national problem: back pain
among paperboys. Environmentalists are already displaying an
important bumper sticker: "Save millions of trees: Keep
Reagan alive."

Preparing for a public figure's death may seem like a good
idea, but it increases the chances of a mistake -- the type
of gaffe that allowed Bob Hope to have a big laugh about his
own death. It happened on June 5, 1998, when the Associated
Press accidentally posted Hope's obit on its site, prompting
a somber announcement in the House of Representatives that
the legendary entertainer was gone, nobody questioning how
it could have happened so soon. (Hope was only 95.)

Thanks to the AP's blunder, many were skeptical five years
later, when Hope's obit showed up again.

President Bush: "Before I make a statement about Bob Hope, I
need to know this: Are we absolutely certain he's dead this
time? Perhaps we should wait a few days, just to be sure."

White House aide: "No need to wait, sir. The CIA has
confirmed it with his family, his doctor and even his pool
boy. Everyone who knows him is in mourning, especially his
accountant. But we've just received word that the people of
Iraq aren't convinced. They want to see pictures."

Bush: "Oh no, not again! Well, send them a picture of Hope
sleeping. We have one of those, don't we?"

Aide: "Yes, sir, from your inauguration. What an excellent
idea."

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