Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

"LOW PHONE RATES COULD ENHANCE
YOUR LOVE LIFE"

If the telephone is a big part of your life,
you'll be happy to learn about two
developments. The first could keep you on
the phone forever -- or at least until the world
ends on Jan. 1. The second could make you
feel more comfortable about answering the
darn thing.

Let me explain.

Say you're a woman involved in a
long-distance relationship. You were on the
Internet and met this great guy named Sam
who lives in a remote part of West Virginia,
but still has all his teeth. Or so he claims.

Your relationship has progressed from the
Internet to the phone, and though you've
never set eyes on Sam or his molars, you're
beginning to plan your wedding. Hey, you're
an optimist. Besides, the earlier you start
planning, the more likely you'll remember the
names of all your relatives.

You've even selected a reception hall,
picked your bridesmaids, and opened a
gift registry at K mart.

There's only one problem: Sam stops
calling you.

You try to call him, but get his answering
machine. Still, you're glad to hear his voice
on the machine, though he says only, "Yo!"

After a week or so, your phone rings again.
You dash out of the bathroom, shampoo
running down your back. "Hello," you say,
your heart pounding like you just met
Ricky Martin.


"Hello," says the caller. "I'm calling from
Diewell Cemetery to offer you a special
deal on a burial plot."

It's a telemarketer, one who's apparently
making plans for your death. You slam the
phone, cursing Alexander Graham Bell.

After your cold shower, you check your
e-mail and find a message from Sam:

"Dear Fatima, I couldn't call you because
the phone company disconnected my
long-distance service for not paying the bill.
I wanted to pay it, but it was more than
double my rent. Those six-hour calls aren't
cheap. I tried to get a job, but they aren't
hiring at McDonald's. And the guy at the
pawn shop refused to take my collection of
hub caps. I'm really sorry about this. All
my love, Sam."

So now you have another problem: Your
name isn't Fatima.

It isn't even Fat-anything.

But you're in a forgiving mood. You're willing
to overlook this faux pas. You don't want to
lose the deposit on the reception hall.

You write to Sam, telling him about the low
rates phone companies have started
offering. Sprint's offering 5-cent nights.
MCI's offering 5-cent nights and early
mornings. AT&T's offering 7-cent mornings,
afternoons and nights. And perhaps 3-cent
birthdays.

For just a nickel, you can call your
ex-husband and tell him to get a life. He's
not achieving much in Congress.

What's more, if the heated competition in the
phone industry continues, it's possible that
long distance -- combined with Internet
access and other services -- will eventually
be FREE. That could take your romance to
a whole new level. You could even get
married by phone.


You have other good news for Sam: You
heard that some states are passing
laws against telemarketers, forcing them to
respect "do not call" lists. They won't be
interrupting your cold showers again.


Sam writes back: "Dear Fatima, I have
something important to tell you. My name
really isn't Sam. It's Samantha. That's why I
sound a lot like Michael Jackson."

Now you have another problem: Which one
of you will undergo the sex change
operation? There isn't much time before the
wedding.

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