Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

LIFE WOULD BE STRANGE WITH FIVE WIVES

A 52-year-old Utah man is on trial for polygamy, after
making a number of television appearances to defend his
right to be married to five women. Tom Green insists
he's just following the rules of his Mormon religion,
as decreed by his ancestors.

I know exactly what you're thinking:  Finally a man
who's willing to stand up for his religion!

Too many of us wimp out. We read all the rules and then
we find logical reasons to disobey them. "Thou shalt
not covet thy neighbor's wife? That doesn't apply to
me. It was written thousands of years ago, before
someone had the good sense to invent binoculars."

Green, in contrast, is a devout man who firmly believes
in following every rule of his religion, even if it
means sleeping with many women. We should all be so
religious.

If my religion suddenly required me to practice
polygamy, I'd have to switch religions. That would be a
lot easier than having to tell my wife.

Me: "Honey, I have something to tell you: I'm thinking
of getting another wife. Perhaps even several wives."

My wife: "Honey, I have something to tell you: I'm
thinking of getting a gun. Perhaps even several guns."

Polygamy is nothing new in Utah. Just try reserving a
motel room and you'll probably be asked: "Would you
like a single, a double, a triple, or a quadruple?"

Hundreds, perhaps thousands, of polygamists live in
Utah, but Green is the first resident in more than 50
years to be prosecuted, largely because he was the
first resident in more than 50 years stupid enough to
appear on television. "Hi everybody!  Look at me! I'm
breaking the law! I have five wives and George W. Bush
has only one!"

Green has fathered 30 children by 10 women, most of
whom were teenagers when he married them. He was once
married to two sisters, as well as their daughters by
previous relationships. I've heard about mothers and
daughters sharing things, but this is ridiculous.

Green operates a telemarketing business from his home
and is probably a big supporter of the Bring Your
Daughter to Work program. Whatever he markets by phone,
I sure hope it's not himself.

Green: "Hello. Is the head of the household home?"

Girl: "No, he's not home."

Green: "Good! Then it's safe to talk to you. How would
you like to marry a 52-year-old man with five wives and
a nice trailer?"

Girl: "I'm only 9."

Green: "Only 9? You're far too young. Can I call you
back in four years?"

I can't imagine being married to five women. It's hard
enough keeping up with one.

Wife No. 1: "Honey, let's go shopping. There's a sale
at the jewelry store. It's called the Utah Special: Buy
one diamond ring, get four free."

Wife No. 2: "No, honey, let's go swimming. You need the
exercise and so does Wife No. 1. All she does is eat."

Me: "That's not true! She goes shopping, too. Apologize
to her right now."

Wife No. 3: "Honey, let's have a candlelight dinner.
It'll be really romantic, just the six of us."

Wife No. 4: "No, honey, let's go to the baseball game.
We can get the group discount again."

Wife No. 5: "No, honey, let's go make more children.
How can you be satisfied with just 30?"

Me: "Finally a good idea. I knew I married a fifth wife
for a reason."

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