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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

MANY CHANGES IN LIBERATED IRAQ

If you're like most people, you're wondering what will
happen after the war, asking yourself questions such as
"What will Iraq look like?" "Who will be in charge of
Baghdad?" and "Will the Iraqi people finally have the
freedom to enjoy American occupation?"

Those are important questions. As a dedicated journalist,
I've sought to bring you answers, interviewing every foreign
affairs expert within five feet of my couch. My 10-month-old
daughter is too young to provide answers (she can barely say
"axis of evil"), so I've had to read tarot cards, gaze into
a crystal ball, and consult a Zambian witch doctor. Here's
what we can expect:

---President Bush, having brought freedom to Afghanistan and
Iraq, is hailed around the world as The Great Liberator. "He
liberated us from our terrible dictator," says one grateful
Iraqi man. "And even more amazing, he liberated us from our
oil."

---Democratic presidential candidates, hoping to steal some
of Bush's popularity, promise to liberate several other
countries, including North Korea, Cuba and France. A few
even propose introducing democracy to Saudi Arabia, Jordan,
and Pakistan -- until Colin Powell reminds them that "those
are our allies."

---The unemployment rate plummets as thousands of Americans
join the humanitarian effort in Iraq, known officially as
"Operation Rebuild What We Just Destroyed." But television
networks are forced to lay off dozens of employees, most of
them retired generals. One general buys a "job wanted" ad,
touting his strengths as a military analyst, including his
"uncanny ability to find Afghanistan and Iraq on a map" and
"vast experience in using a pointing device."

---Hatred for America in the Muslim world diminishes
slightly, thanks to the Bush Administration's ingenious plan
to join forces with Britain and Australia in conducting the
war, a move known officially as "Operation Share the Hate."

---Thousands of anti-war activists, eager for another
challenge, join the controversial group PETA (People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals) and organize massive protests
around the world, urging meat-lovers to "give peas a
chance."

---Iraqi TV makes dramatic changes to its schedule,
canceling popular shows such as "Everybody Loves Saddam,"
"Meet the Prez" and "Eight Simple Lashes for Dating my
Teenage Daughter." New shows include "American Idol,"
"American Justice," and, of course, "Baywatch."

---Fast-food giant Burger King expands into Iraq, opening a
chain of restaurants, shrewdly promoting them as Baghdad
King. Other new restaurants include Steak and Sheik, Subway
Sandwiches and Kurd Rice, and Kentucky Fried Chickpeas.

---After being captured by American troops, the former
dictator of Iraq decides to transpose the syllables in his
first name, switching from Saddam Hussein to the more
appropriate Damsad Hussein.

---Another change takes place when the liberated women of
Iraq gain control of Baghdad and decide to give it a new
name: Baghmom. But the deposed men threaten to file a
lawsuit, forcing the women to accept a compromise:
Baghparent.

---The New York Times, always at the forefront of
journalism, conducts some intensive reporting and uncovers a
surprising fact -- that good and evil exist in both Iraq and
America. The finding shocks President Bush, who stops
emphasizing the "goodness of America," choosing instead to
stress the "goodness of America outside our vast prison
system."

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