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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

THAT'S NO POTATO ON THE COUCH

British potato farmers are miffed about the term "couch
potato" and want it removed from the Oxford English
Dictionary. They believe that the term, which originated as
American slang, has hurt the reputation of the potato
industry. And they're absolutely right, especially when you
consider how much damage the term "lazy butt" caused to the
cigarette industry. And let's not forget the
expression "chill out," which almost ruined the sauna
industry.

"Couch potato" has caused immeasurable harm, not only to
innocent potato farmers everywhere but also to
couch-dwelling men like me. So what if we spend countless
hours on our backs watching TV -- that doesn't give anyone
the right to compare us to a vegetable. We are living,
breathing human beings, capable of deep thought and
occasional movement. Just try to grab the remote and you'll
see.

Being compared to a vegetable is downright scary. First they
call you a vegetable and the next thing you know, they're
having a national debate on whether to keep you alive.

Democrat: "Look how unresponsive he is, particularly during
football games. Just the other day, when he didn't respond
to his wife's calls, she had no choice but to perform CPR on
him. She finally managed to detect a pulse, but only in the
finger touching the remote. Doctors have diagnosed him with
irreversible couch potatoitis. He's just a vegetable hooked
to a tube. He can't survive without the boob tube. His wife
is reluctant to unplug it, but believes it's the right thing
to do, especially since it would free up valuable couch
space."

Republican: "I can't believe what I'm hearing. This man is
so full of life. Look at the way his eyes widen when a
cheerleader appears on the screen. And what about his
tongue -- it's been hanging out ever since Janet Jackson
performed at the Super Bowl. You might argue that he's
unable to pull it back in, but I say that he's a man who
loves to taste life."

Democrat: "How can you taste life when you're lying on a
couch all day? You have to move around to experience life,
you have to be willing to stick your head above your feet.
Couch potatoes like him have given up on their own lives and
are surviving on other people's lives through the tube.
They're like parasites, but with fewer motor skills."

To prevent such drama, I've decided to speak out on behalf
of all self-respecting couch-dwellers everywhere. We
strongly support the British potato farmers' bid to have
"couch potato" removed from the Oxford English Dictionary.
In fact, we believe this offensive term should be banned not
only from public speech but also from the lips of wives and
girlfriends. Anyone using this term should be given the
couch potato treatment. They should be strapped to a couch
and pelted with potatoes.

We'd like to suggest a few better terms that can be used to
describe us: horizontal human, couch slouch and sofa loafer.

We'd also like to encourage everyone to use the word
 "potato" in a positive manner, the way potato farmers do.

Farmer Brown: "We farmers move around a lot, but not as much
as the actress Angelina Jolie. She's such an active potato."

Farmer Jones: "I heard she adopted an orphan from Ethiopia.
What a caring potato!"

Farmer Hefner: "Yeah, but did you see the pictures of her
sunbathing on the beach in her bikini? Man, I've never seen
such nice potatoes."

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