Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

PROTEIN DIETS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

A recent front page article in USA Today
grabbed my attention faster than a free food
sample at the grocery store. The headline
read, "Dieters can have their steak and eat
it, too," and pictured above was a slab of
steak so appetizing, I felt like chewing the
paper. But I managed to resist that
temptation, largely because there were
people around me.

What's this? I thought. Good news on the
front page of the newspaper? I must be
dreaming.

But it wasn't a dream. Apparently, several
new diet books promote low-carbohydrate,
high-protein meals. In other words, stay
away from rice and pasta, but go hog-wild
on steak, bacon, ham and chicken. Be what
you've always dreamed of being: a
carnivore.


Then sit back, loosen your belt and watch
those extra pounds around your waist
vanish like food on Bill Clinton's plate.


This is a dieter's dream. It's like telling
someone who hates to exercise that the
most effective form of aerobic exercise is to
run at least seven times a day to the
refrigerator. And the most effective form of
weight-training is to lift, at least three times
a day, a five-pound plate of food.

The new diets are bound to be popular in
America because, as USA Today puts
it, Americans "love their steaks and their
bacon and eggs. It feels more like real food
than carrot sticks and broccoli."

I couldn't agree more. As far as I'm
concerned, carrot sticks and broccoli
should never have been classified as food.
I'd sooner eat a plate of cardboard. With
lots of dressing, of course.


I'm no different from most men, who are
naturally drawn to meat. The typical male
is interested in consuming only two things:
meat and beer. Preferably together. And
if you can find a way to combine them
(beer-batter wings), you're a genius.

Many millenniums ago, when people lived
in caves, real men didn't grow carrots and
broccoli. They went hunting for real food,
like deer, turkey, and Big Macs. They got
lots of exercise, because no one had
invented the drive-through. And no one
waited on them, asking, "Would you like
fries with that?"


Over the years, many people got lazy and
started growing vegetables. They found that
vegetables were easier to cook and never
attacked them. Vegetables also contained
fewer calories, making them a staple of
many diets. And if that staple didn't work, it
was time for another staple, right on their
stomachs.


But the new diets are changing that. Of
course, like almost anything good in
life, there are some drawbacks. Eating too
much protein may give you dizziness,
nausea, and fatigue. It's a lot like going to
an amusement park.

But those problems are rare compared to
two others we can all do without: bad breath
and constipation.

Bad breath is OK if you're single and want
to remain so for the rest of your life. You
may get a date now and then, but you'll have
to keep your mouth shut. Which may not be
such a bad idea for all those men who have
trouble being good listeners.

Constipation is OK if you're out in the woods
on a camping trip and there are no facilities
around. You'll be glad you don't have to dig
a hole. Especially if you're also suffering
from fatigue.

But you have to take these side effects
seriously. You may find yourself using lots of
Listerine, but not the latrine. What you spend
on mouthwash, you'll save on your water bill.

Considering the drawbacks, maybe these
diets aren't for me. I like to go on dates, but
even more important to me is visiting the
bathroom.

How else would I get any reading done?

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