Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

TRY HARD NOT TO BE A SUSPECT

In the aftermath of the recent terrorist attacks on America,
we South Asians  have had to face a cold reality: Our
physical appearance is enough to turn us into suspects, no
matter how many old ladies we've helped across the street.

If we have brown skin, we could be Osama's friends. If we
have beards, we could be Osama's relatives. If we have
turbans, we could be Osama.

I'm exaggerating, of course, but not that much. And the
situation worsens when we say or do something deemed
suspicious. Take what happened to Uday Menon, a 46-year-old
financial consultant, when he visited a New York theater
with his wife on Oct. 10. According to Rediff.com, four
police officers handcuffed and dragged Menon outside while
his wife watched in shock, not expecting to see that kind of
drama.

Menon, when ordering tickets the previous day, had
apparently shown too much interest in heavily attended shows
and requested seats in a middle row, which, combined with
his foreign name and accent, led the ticket agent to believe
that he was planning to bomb the theater. It's a good thing
Menon didn't ask what buildings are around the theater or he
might have been shot on sight.

The message to South Asians is clear: You need to be careful
what you say or do, especially if you cannot afford to
change your appearance through major plastic surgery. Here
are just a few rules you'd be wise to follow:

---If you go to the theater, do not sit in a middle row. Do
not sit near the stage either. Sit near the back, right next
to the exit. That way, if some idiot shouts, "Hey, that man
looks like a terrorist," you can make a quick getaway.

---Do not carry anything that could be perceived as a weapon
when traveling by plane, train or bus. That includes
bottles, hardcover books and bananas. As an extra
precaution, do not wear a belt. Belts can easily be turned
into weapons, as many parents have shown.

---Before boarding a plane, push all your luggage through
the X-ray machine and, if you're not too fat, try to slide
through yourself. That would help the security personnel
confirm that you're not a hijacker and, as a free bonus,
they may also confirm that you have no tumors.

---When you're aboard the plane, do not get out of your seat
abruptly. If possible, hold your breath and remain
absolutely still. If you must use the restroom, raise your
hand and wait until the flight attendant gives you
permission.

The pilot may have to make an announcement: "Good evening
ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for flying NHA (No Hijackers
Aboard) Airlines. If you look toward the back of the plane,
you will see that we have an Indian man flying with us
today. Do not panic. He has been through a 16-hour security
check. He will soon get up to use the restroom, escorted by
three armed flight marshals. His activities in the restroom
will be observed using 206 cameras, one for every bone in
his body. He has been instructed to keep his hands raised
above his head, so you may not want to use the restroom
after him."

---Do not use any form of the word "bomb" in public. If you
detest a stand-up comedian's performance, do not shout, "All
your jokes are bombing, man." If you can't stand a
politician's speech, do not yell, "You're such a bombastic
fool!" And no matter how proud you are of your  native city,
do not say, "I'm from Mumbai - It used to be called Bombay!"

Of course, I'm exaggerating about these precautions, but not
that much. Remember: It's better to be safe than under
arrest.

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