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| EVERYBODY DESERVES A GOOD TITLE I was at my local bank the other day, trying to get some help from a woman sitting behind a desk. I thought she was a customer service representative, but I was terribly mistaken, for the nameplate on her desk said "relationship banker." I was ready to apologize for my error, but didn't want to start an awkward conversation: Me: "I'm sorry. I must be at the wrong desk. I'm here to get help with my account, not my relationship. My relationship is fine. Just ask my wife." She: "Are you sure? Because if you're not getting the most out of your relationship, it's a good idea to see a relationship banker. Aren't you banking on a good relationship?" Me: "Yes, but I don't need help with my relationship. I had heard about companies diversifying, but this is ridiculous. I never thought banks would get into relationships. Relationships can be messy. Just ask Julia Roberts." She: "Yes, that's why we're here to help. Besides, fixing our customers' relationships is a lot more fun than just taking their money. Please sit down and tell me all about your relationship. Don't leave out any details, especially the juicy ones. But first let me open a new relationship account for you. You can open a savings account if you want to save your relationship. Or you can open a checking account if you want to check out of your relationship." Me: "I told you: I don't need help with my relationship." She: "Well, what about your relationship with your mother? What about your relationship with your friends? What about your relationship with your relationship banker?" I don't know how the bank came up with the title "relationship banker," but I'm sure it involved months and months of research. After all, the wrong title could confuse or even scare customers like me. For example, "fiscal fitness instructor" would frighten customers who are always out of shape. And "accounts guru" may offend customers who aren't spiritual. In today's competitive world, many companies, as well as individuals, realize the importance of being creative with job titles. Why be a mere "writer" when you can be a "wordsmith," a "master composer," or, even better, a "sentence engineer"? Why be an "accountant" when you can be a "number juggler," a "bottom line expert," or, even better, a "financial wizard?" And why be a "waiter" when you can be a "food guide," a "delicacy deliverer," or, even better, a "customer-chef intermediary"? At some department stores, almost all the employees are called "associates," even the ones who don't like to associate with anyone. Some of the associates even have numbers. That makes it easy for the store manager (the managing associate) to address them: "Associate four, please help the clueless customer in the appliance department, the one who keeps inserting his toupee into the microwave and pushing the reset button. Associate one is taking a coffee break, Associate two is taking a cigarette break, and Associate three is taking a Metamucil break." Creative job titles are also a good way to reward employees: Boss: "Good news! We've noticed how hard you've been working around here and we're promoting you to a new title." Employee: "A new title. You mean I'm not going to be a public relations associate anymore?" Boss: "No, we've given you a longer, more impressive title: chief originator of corporate miscommunication. And that's not all. We're also giving you a raise." Employee: "A raise? Wow. That's exciting. What kind of a raise?" Boss: "Quite a big raise. We're moving you from the first floor to the tenth floor. Congratulations! You're on your way to the top." |
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