Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

MISS. INDIA DOMINATES UNIVERSE

She looked good in a swimsuit. She looked
even better in an evening gown. And as
soon as I heard Miss. India speak, I knew
the other contestants could begin scraping
off their makeup. "Sorry Miss. Venezuela,
you’ll just have to settle for being the
second-most beautiful woman in the universe.
Don’t cry. It’s OK. I’m sure a few men will
still look at you. Especially if you get a job
selling beer."

Miss. India, Lara Dutta, ran away with the
Miss. Universe title in Cyprus. She grabbed
it as easily as she snatched the microphone
from the host, Sinbad. It was like Mike
Tyson versus Ross Perot, Arnold
Schwarzenegger versus Danny Devito,
Janet Reno versus the United Nations army.

Of course, I’m biased. As an Indian, I was
rooting for Lara, a 21-year-old from
Bangalore. The 5-foot-8 model seemed to
have it all: looks, brains and stunning poise.
The only thing she didn’t have was a
relationship with the judges.

But she obviously didn’t need that. Not with
her beauty, not with her charm, not with her
ability to keep me enthralled. Yes, thanks to
her, I set a world record for the longest time
a man has watched television without
touching the remote control.

When Lara glided around in her bikini, I set
another world record -- for the longest time
without a heart beat. If Sports Illustrated
doesn’t offer her a contract for its annual
swimsuit issue, I’ll be very upset. I may even
sue. After all, I’ve scanned the issue every
year and don’t recall ever seeing an Indian
in a swimsuit. Not even Vijay Singh. Maybe
I need to buy Sports Illustrated’s annual sari
issue.

Lara’s victory cemented India’s new
reputation as a virtual factory for beautiful
women. The nation has produced Sushmita
Sen (Miss. Universe 1994), Aishwarya Rai
(Miss. World 1994), Diana Hayden (Miss.
World 1997) and Yukta Mookhey (Miss.
World 1999). And, I am very proud to say, it
also produced my beautiful cousin Rani
Jeyaraj, a Miss. World finalist in 1996.
(If you want to be introduced to Rani, please
send me your name, age, and credit card
number.)

I hope this success has inspired all those
Indian scientists. Forget about ethics -- it’s
time to start cloning these women. I’ll take
one Lara, one Sushmita, one Aishwarya,
one Diana, one Yukta, and, for a friend of
mine, one Rani. With such smart cloning, no
one would complain if the Indian population
suddenly jumped to two billion. Think about
it: India would attract millions of tourists and
gain at least a dozen more visits from Bill
Clinton.

Lara, an economics graduate, isn’t quite a
clone, but her mother once won the Miss.
Madras title and her father, a retired Indian
Air Force pilot, also knows how to make men
scream. Lara had a major advantage over
the other finalists, Miss. Venezuela and
Miss. Spain: she speaks English fluently. It
almost seemed unfair. But what could the
contest's organizers do? Pick a language at
random?

SINBAD: "Miss. Spain, here’s your final
question. If you were invited to the White
House, what kind of swimsuit would you
wear and why? Please answer this question
in Hindi."

MISS. SPAIN: "Uh ... rupee ... uh ... namaste
... uh ...Vijay Singh?"

SINBAD: "Wow! That’s a great answer.
You’re getting a lot of applause -- especially
from all the Indian people."

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