Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

VALENTINE'S DAY, THE TOUGHEST TEST OF ALL

When I graduated from college, I was excited about one
thing: No more tests! For the first time in my life, I was a
free man. I could do as I pleased, go where I pleased,
without being graded, without someone looking at me
sympathetically and saying, "Sorry, Melvin. If you had only
worked twice as hard, shown twice as much enthusiasm in
class, you might have earned yourself a 'D.' See you again
next year." (For some reason, the grading scale dropped from
'D' to 'F.' I'm still trying to figure out what happened to
'E.')

My post-college bliss lasted several months, then one day I
came to a grim realization: Life is full of tests. You just
can't escape them, no matter which government office you
hide in. Even in your last days, when you can barely feed
and clean yourself, your doctor will be putting you through
tests.

Doctor: "I'm still awaiting the results of your blood and
urine tests, Mr. Gupta. In the meantime, I'd like to test
your sweat. Do you think you can produce a little?"

Gupta: "No sweat, doc. None whatsoever. Last time I sweated
was 1964. Why don't you test my saliva instead? I have no
trouble producing that."

Doctor: "Yes, I can see that. Here, please take this
napkin."

I've had to take a number of tests since college, including
eye tests, driving tests, and sanity tests. Perhaps the
toughest test comes every Valentine's Day. I call it the
"What are you going to get her this time?" test. With my
romance skills, I've never gotten an 'F' in this test. My
wife has an expanded grading scale and I usually score
somewhere between "Y' and 'Z.'

Marriage gives me two other tests every year: anniversary
and birthday. A few years ago, I failed the birthday test,
not because I couldn't think of the right gift, but because
I couldn't think of the right date. Ouch! I spent several
days in the doghouse -- and I would have been there much
longer, had the dog not snapped at me.

But Valentine's Day is the toughest of the marriage tests,
because you don't just have to impress your wife, you have
to compete with other men. If your wife's friend has just
received a dozen roses from her husband, you'd better not
send your wife a dozen doughnuts.

You: "Honey, remember how you always say that it's the
thought that counts? Well, I thought about getting you
roses. Really I did!"

She: "Yes, it's definitely the thought that counts. And
you're a bigger idiot than I thought."

It doesn't help that Valentine's Day is so commercialized in
America. A dozen roses can cost as much as $100, enough
money to romance 50 women in Guatemala. Women love roses,
yet they want men to be creative. But around Valentine's
Day, when roses are sold in almost every store, picking a
rose involves as much creativity as picking a nose.

The same can be said about cards. If you really want
to excite a woman, don't get her a card that comes with lots
of verse -- get her a card that comes with lots of credit.

Diamonds can also cause hearts to flutter, but they don't
always work, as I discovered some years ago.

Me: "Guess what, honey, I got you something with diamonds on
it!"

She: "Diamonds! Oh my gosh. Is it a ring? A necklace? A
bracelet?"

Me: "No, honey, even better: a deck of playing cards. It's
guaranteed to give us endless fun. Do you want to shuffle
them or shall  I?"

She: "Uh ... I'd prefer if you shuffled. Shuffled off, that
is."

Send this column to a friend

                                             Don't forget to visit Melvin's funny blog!