Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

SHORTER NAMES COULD BENEFIT
RUNNING MATES

Presidential candidates George W. Bush
and Al Gore have selected their running
mates and -- big surprise -- both are white
men. Even in this land of diversity, it takes
guts to pick a woman and a lot more guts to
pick a non-white. You’d have better luck
picking someone from New Jersey. Except,
of course, the governor. Not only has Gov.
Christine Todd Whitman been pictured
frisking an African-American man, her vice
presidential prospects were effectively
ruined when it was recently confirmed, after
a six-month investigation by the Republican
Party, that she’s a woman. It’s amazing
what you can learn from DNA.

At least Gore, to his credit, went outside
traditional circles for his running mate. By
picking Sen. Joseph Lieberman, an
Orthodox Jew, for such an important
position, Gore hopes to distance himself
from Bill Clinton, who himself once picked
a Jew for an important position -- pet
intern. But unlike Lieberman, Monica
Lewinsky -- as we all know -- was quite
unorthodox. She worked on the Sabbath.
Overtime.

Lieberman, one of the most respected
members of Congress, tries to observe the
Jewish Sabbath, between sundown Friday
and sundown Saturday. He works only
when necessary and avoids using cars.
For at least one day, he acts like a lazy
Amish man.

The Jewish community is naturally excited
about Gore’s choice and so am I. I wish
Lieberman were running for president, not
vice president. He’s not only eminently
qualified, he has a great sense of humor.
Why else would he want to run with Gore?
To make Yom Kippur a national holiday?

Of course, to be elected, Lieberman may
need to shorten his name. The United
States hasn’t elected a president or vice
president with three syllables in his name
since Sean Connery had hair. Americans
like presidents with short names such as
Gore, Bush, and Clinton. If you’re a Ferraro
or Dukakis, you’d improve your chances of
being elected, quite significantly, by
changing your name to something shorter
such as Dummy or Ninny. Think of the great
headlines: "Dummy predicts Middle East
peace accord" and "Ninny denies affair with
intern."

Lieberman ought to drop the "man" at the
end of his name. We know he’s a man. If he
weren’t a man, Gore wouldn’t have picked
him. Besides, nobody would vote for a
Goreman -- and certainly not a Bushman.

Lieberman should also drop the "lie" at the
beginning of his name. He’s a politician --
we know he’s going to lie.

He’d be wise to just go with the name "Ber."
Most Americans would be excited to vote
for the Gore-Ber ticket. Winning slogan:
"Vote for Gore-Ber, not the goober."

Likewise, Bush’s running mate, Dick
Cheney, would gain a lot from shortening
his name. As Dick Chen, he’s guaranteed
to get most of the Asian vote. Especially if
he claims to be related to CNN’s Joie Chen.
Asians would be so captivated with the
potential vice president’s last name, they’d
forget all about his first.

It’s been more than 25 years since Richard
Nixon resigned. Bush obviously thinks
America is ready for another Dick. Nixon
was known as Tricky Dick. Cheney, who
had trouble finding a good running mate for
Bush, besides himself, could be known as
Picky Dick.

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