Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

IT'S EASIER TO GAIN WEIGHT THAN LOSE IT

About a year ago, I set a goal to lose 10
pounds, and after months of dieting,
exercising and visualizing, I'm happy to
report that I've managed to lose exactly
10 ounces. A few more months and I'll be
up to a full pound.

At this rate, I'll have a flat stomach by the
year 2010. And soon after that, I'll
release my diet book and exercise video.
(The book will be called "Fifty Ways to
Leave Your Blubber.") Then I'll get my own
fitness show on ESPN, with several pretty
co-hosts who have trouble exercising in
anything but bikinis.

Hey, I may not have mastered dieting and
exercising, but I'm an expert on
visualization. I can picture exactly what I
want, but I just can't seem to get there.

The problem, of course, is that I can't stay
on an exercise program any longer than a
few weeks. And I can't stay on a diet any
longer than a few hours. I'll have a light
lunch, feel good about myself, vow to keep
it up, and then find myself eating a whale
for dinner. Of course, to save calories,
I'll skip the tartar sauce.

Every time I lose a little weight, I celebrate
by stuffing myself. A few months ago, I
lost a whopping 5 pounds, then gained it
all back over one weekend.

For most people, it's so much easier to
gain weight than lose it. You can gain
weight just by looking at food. But, as I've
discovered, you can't lose weight by looking
at an exercise machine. Or looking at
Cindy Crawford exercising.

I have such a big appetite, I could probably
eat a meal every hour. But I don't do that,
partly because the doorways in my
apartment aren't too wide. And I can't
afford a new wardrobe.

Through my never-ending struggle to stay
slim, I've learned many tips on diet and
exercise, most of which I'm saving for my
diet book and subsequent appearance
on Oprah. But I'll give you a sample.

Here are a few tips about dieting:

---You will not find anything healthful in the
vending machine. Even if the machine has
something healthful, you will not see it.

---If your snack gets stuck in the vending
machine, be thankful. You will burn a few
calories shaking the machine. And if the
machine falls on you, you will probably be
thinner.

---Eating a lot of low-fat pies is a good
way to get high-fat thighs.

---It is better to count calories than to count
chins.

---Candy is not good for you, so stop flirting
with her.

---Limit your intake of dates and nuts, as
well as your desire to date nuts.

---You cannot eat just one piece of
chocolate, unless it's the last piece in the
country.

---Drinking three glasses of water before
every meal will help you lose weight,
because you'll burn a lot of calories
running to the bathroom.

And here are a few tips about exercising:

---Joining a fitness club is a good idea, but
only if you go to it. Just remember: The club
has only one guarantee, that you'll pay a
monthly fee.

---You will not lose any more calories by
grunting. And grunting may get you in
trouble, especially if you're in the Oval Office.

---Three minutes of walking burns more
calories than three hours of running your
mouth. Just ask Rush Limbaugh.

---Always make long-term goals. Especially
if you want to be as fit as me in 2010. If I can
do it, you can, too!

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