Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

DON'T KEEP ME ALIVE, UNLESS ...

I, Melvin Durai, being of sound mind and body, and concerned
about the possibility of being kept alive in a vegetative
state, either through a ventilator or other means, hereby
declare that no judge or politician shall have a say in any
decision regarding my life. Any such decision shall be made
solely by consulting a Living Will -- either Will Smith or
Will Ferrell.

If neither of these actors is alive or able to exercise
their "willpower," then this document shall serve as the
final authority in determining whether to keep me alive,
unless of course my wife still wants me around for tax
purposes.

She has the right to keep me alive, but not to disconnect my
ventilator or remove my feeding tube, unless she and my
children decide that it would minimize the suffering, lessen
the pain, for them to collect my life insurance.

It is important, however, that I express my wishes, even if
my wife has the right to overrule them, as she takes great
pleasure in doing.

I do not want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, even
if that state happens to be Florida. The vegetation in a
state is immaterial to me, especially if I'm stuck in a
hospital bed. The only vegetation that interests me these
days is that Bush in Washington D.C.

I do not want to be kept alive if I'm judged to be
brain-dead, never mind that most people have already made
that judgment. Medical doctors are well-qualified to make
this determination, but I'd like to give them some pointers,
in case they're reluctant to jeopardize my hospital lease. I
am probably brain-dead if any of the following occurs:

---A remote control is in my room and I'm not holding it.

---A football game is on TV and I'm not watching it.

---Halle Berry comes to my room and I don't smile.

---My dentist comes to my room and I don't scream.

---Someone reads me Bill Clinton's memoir and I don't fall
asleep.

---Someone reads me Ann Coulter's book and I don't try to
kill them.

Whether or not I am brain-dead, I do not want a feeding tube
inserted into me, unless the tube is big enough to carry a
pizza. I want to have pizza regularly -- and by "regularly,"
I mean three times a day. My feeding schedule will be as
follows: Breakfast: pizza topped with sausage. Lunch: pizza
topped with pepperoni. Dinner: pizza topped with meatloaf,
steak and tandoori chicken.

If I must have a feeding tube, I also want a drinking tube,
preferably one that's connected to a bottle of Chardonnay. A
little champagne now and then would suit me fine, too.
Moderation is the key and I hereby appoint Boris Yeltsin as
my moderator. He will be in charge of my drinking tube, with
Ted Kennedy as the first alternate.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention organ donation. I want
all my organs donated: my eyes to a blind person, my lungs
to a cancer patient, my brain to one of those motorcyclists
who don't wear helmets.

In conclusion, I would like to thank my lawyer, who
recommended that I write this document, so that there will
be no confusion whatsoever. To him, I leave my drinking
tube.

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