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Melvin's blog
Nshima & Curry
Melvin's Blog
Nshima & Curry
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ALCOHOL, VIAGRA AREN'T JUST FOR HUMANS
Cleveland Browns fans who threw beer bottles at
referees during a recent pro football game have been
called all kinds of names: hooligans, thugs, morons.
But in the spirit of forgiveness (this is the
Christmas season, after all), I don't want to insult
the fans any further, for I know they're only human
and, as such, can't help behaving like apes.
Indeed, these fans have quite a bit in common with
apes at a zoo in Lucknow, India. No, I'm not referring
to their appearance or their lack of etiquette or
their inability to understand basic math. I'm
referring to a decision by zoo officials to serve
alcohol to the apes and other primates. Yes, alcohol.
I know what you're wondering: "Why would anyone serve
alcohol to apes, especially when so many humans can't
seem to get enough?" I can think of only four
plausible explanations:
---The apes have just turned 21, the legal drinking
age.
---Zoo officials are trying to get the apes to start
watching pro football. (Cricket is too complicated.)
---The apes are evolving right before our eyes. Soon
they'll be lighting up cigarettes and asking for the
right to vote.
---The apes have qualified for credit cards and are
charging the booze. They couldn't resist Visa's new
slogan: "Special prime rates for special primates."
Actually, the real objective of giving the apes
alcohol (a daily dose of diluted brandy, served in
special glasses) is to keep them warm and happy during
the winter.
"Our monkeys and apes will have no problems digesting
the alcohol," zoo director B. Prabhakar said. "That's
because they have a digestive system that's almost
similar to that of a Cleveland Browns fan."
Who knows, the brandy may even induce the apes to keep
each other warm. Soon after gulping his drink, Bobo
the ape may look around and think, "What happened? All
the female apes suddenly look rather attractive. I
actually feel like cuddling with someone tonight."
Of course, these apes may not be as frisky as some
tigers in Chinese zoos. The South China tigers, an
endangered species, are having trouble breeding in
captivity, but won't be getting any alcohol. They will
be getting something that isn't served even at
football stadiums: Viagra.
"We believe that Viagra can work on tigers," a
prominent scientist said. "Especially since it has
already turned Bob Dole into a tiger in bed."
The potency drug will first be given to a pair of male
tigers at a zoo in China's southern province of
Sichuan. The tigers have exhibited no sexual desire
whatsoever, even when scientists showed them pictures
of female tigers wearing lingerie. The tigers have
also not responded to a special recording from
Augusta, Georgia, in which thousands of golf fans
are heard to shout: "Go Tiger! Go Tiger!"
If the experiment works and the tigers "get busy," the
drug manufacturer, Pfizer, may find a whole new
market. And Bob Dole may have a new message for
America: "Consult your doctor about Viagra, but don't
forget to ask about Spot and Fido. You could qualify
for a household discount."
Some people may consider it wasteful to give alcohol
and Viagra to zoo animals and pets. But at least such
animals are under control, unlike the animals you
often find in the wild -- and at pro football games.
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